Colorless

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Oops...

Firstly, sorry Jo... I guess I must've caused some complications... and apparently they're unwanted. Was I a big-mouth? Or did I do something wrong? Or should I not have asked him? I'm so so so sorry... really. If there's anything I could do... ?

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It's been raining a lot lately... and the mood's just cold & melancholy... and solemn and gloomy. A dinner with Sophia got me thinking again how old we really are becoming. No doubt we're only in our early 20's, the time has come for many of us to detach from the junior youths. On the fun side, everyone can mix around & play & be happy, everyone looks like they're really good friends. That's cool. But what about when something happens or when someone's feeling down or something? I mean, like, when there're bumps along the roads of the lives of our younger friends? Only a few can connect, and only a few are willing to open up to those who connect. It's a really small subset from my point of view. Maybe I don't see enough. No matter, I just don't feel the fit anymore...

"You may be only one person in the world,
But you may also be the world to one person."

Thank you, but that one person has to have other worlds too... or at least, other planets and satellites. This world is gonna leave soon. Out of orbit, out of everyone's lives...

People don't make me happy. It's superficial. It's all a facade... U don't need me to pacify u and stuff... many others can do that. I know. What I never fail is to make u cry and to pierce ur heart. Like I said, being young is not a flaw. Being old is. And I'm old...

Love me if you dare... 11:46
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Incompetent, insecure, low self-esteem...

Merry Christmas everybody! =)

Except... this Christmas doesn't seem so merry after all. =(

Had a Christmas party over @ Freda's old place at Phillips Ave on Sunday night. The programs were quite fun, the food was fantastic (thanks to Zhiwei & Dennis & Simin ++), the fellowship was awesome! Yay! Haha! A couple of us (equates to about 20 or less) stayed overnight. K la, I'd have to say it was pretty boring. Coz there weren't any programs planned, there wasn't anything to do either. So people just stayed around & talked & watched TV & played cards & stuff... Went out for prata at what, 3+? By the time we got back, it was about 5+ already & Freda's rooster was crowing with all its might. Haha!

Monday, after a sleepless or tiny amounts of sleep, most of us went out for brunch, which was really lunch, at 11+ at Kovan hawker. Haha! It was from there that all of us went our seperate ways: home to sleep for most, Zhixiang & I went to Shawn's house to nap for a half hour before we had to gather at PLMGPS at 4:30pm to help arrange the tables & chairs, which, to my dismay, was already done when we got there. Heh.

Dinner was alright la... Food-wise, I suppose it was abit better than last year, otherwise it'd be like, the same year after year lor. I have to admit I do feel abit out. I dunno why I felt this way, I just felt... lonely? Is that the correct word? Hmm... I dunno. Quiet. U might get my drift, but otherwise, it's ok. Doesn't really matter whether u understand me anot. I don't expect many to anyways. *sigh*

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Do I have a self-esteem problem? Sometimes I think I do y'know, as unbelievable as it might seem. *sigh* What's wrong with me? I'm a green-eyed monster too... *roar*

I know this is nuts, but I just can't help feeling this way. I thought only I could bring happiness of that degree to ur life. I thought maybe only I could make u feel like a princess. I thought maybe only I could've treated you this well. Guess I thought wrong...

You're so lovable, so adorable, so cheerful and free, so popular. I guess it wouldn't have made a difference whether or not I was in your life... really. Even without me, everyone and anyone can cheer u up, keep you happy, love you much, treat u right. You would say no one makes u feel like I do. U wouldn't know that now, would u? =)

It's not that I don't want you to be happy with other friends. I do! I'm really happy when you're happy. It's just... that gnawing feeling when I see that it is not I who brought that hearty laughter... I do suppose it's selfishness, or at least, stems from selfishness. Yes. I'm such a selfish freak... Sometimes I wonder if I'm really being nice because I'm nice or because subconciously I'm calculating some form of reward or return... I shudder to think that the latter is even possible. *shudders* There... see?

Am I being fair to you? You have SO-O-O much of life ahead of you... Why be tied down to me? I'm getting older, and very soon, our lifestyles will be so totally different. Why be tied down to me? Go taste the world, see places, feel people, hear nature... Am I being fair to you?

Am I?
Stupid gnawing feeling... I hate you!!! Don't gnaw anymore!
I can never want to hurt you...

*roar*
Sorry darling... I can't help it... *shame*

Love me if you dare... 01:31
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Thursday, December 21, 2006

Cherish your ability

I've always envied people who are musically inclined. Really. I think music is so beautiful... so transcendental. I wish I can play a musical instrument. Right now, the closest thing musical that I can utilize are my lips... to whistle. How pathetic.

I used to wanna learn the guitar. But over the next few years, everyone, and I mean everyone, has acquired that skill. So I didn't really pursue that want any much more. In fact, I wasn't extremely keen in learning anything at all... my bad. Anyways, my next instrument that I had wanted was the harmonica. Compact, and nobody plays it. Haha! But no one to teach also... so... *sigh* Next! The harp!!! Actually, I still want to learn the harp... but also dunno where to go to find a teacher. And the expenses... aiyoh... Hence, as of birth, I've never had the chance to learn anything musical at all.

So to all those who can play something (especially the piano), cherish your ability. It may not be a talent but it's an ability, trained for years... 加油！

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Hmm... some news have come to my attention. Why? Why? I simply don't understand. Is there vengeance? Is there hatred? Or can love be SO-O-O powerful? Hmm?

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I'm an angel! Haha! I've never for the life of me thought of myself that way... so funny funny! Someone actually thinks I'm an angel. *grin* Thank you for that compliment... that's very nice. Haha! But seriously, I believe GOD has HIS purpose in sending me to you. And if HE had other plans, I wouldn't have been there, but someone else. So that plan must've been for me too, y'know what I mean? Everyone's an angel to someone. =)

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Well, I've seen an angel. This angel of mine, I see almost everyday. Flawless skin, soulful eyes, lively persoanlity. My angel lifts me up and drops me down as easily as that indian flipping roti prata. Man, what an analogy. K, change. My angel lifts me up and drops me down as easily as throwing frisbee. Yep, that sounds about right. =)

So my little angel, don't doubt yourself ok? You are an angel, I'm sure. No human can be so beautiful.

I love you my little angel.

Love me if you dare... 21:56
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Post-camp happenings...

Heys!

Camp was fun! Fun fun fun! But that's what everyone says, so I shan't elaborate on the fun.

Counter-intuitively, I felt further from people during this camp instead of closer. Of course, everyone had enormous doses of fun & games & GOD. But on a personal level, I was mostly on my own. Maybe I exuded an aura that wards people off? Maybe my face looked as if I were deep in thoughts? Maybe I just wasn't as well-liked as I (as well as most people) thought I was. *shrugs* Now, I'll bet my head that there'd be some exclamations of disagreement but the truth is the truth u know? No matter how u disagree, it can't be changed. Oh wells, so be it.

Of course, there were a couple of people who came up to chat with me la. People like Fiona, Freda, Esther, Weiting, Huiying, Huixing, Sinying, Qiying... Thank you all for accompanying me. Whether out of pity or boredom or whatever, I appreciate the brief company. =)

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Post-camp, stayed over at Shawn's place for cocktail again. Haha! This time, instead of the usual Simin, Doris & myself, Zhiwei made it too! Ian was ultra-hyper that night la. Jiashan was seriously worried he will have a nightmare & keep her awake the whole night. Haha!

Anyways, we watched "Stealth" and had a couple of drinks. Absolut Vanilla totally sucks neat! *bleah*

"Helen the Baby Fox" was a weird show. Haha! Quite a slow story but ended up quite touching. Not bad la... Mmmm... *ponders* "Garfield 2" also quite funny. Wah, actually this week watched quite alot of shows. Haha! 3 in 3 days! Yep!

Hmm... what else have I done? Shopped for a cordless phone so I can use at home & bring back with me to Brisbane too, bought materials for kite-making & flying, which I will be organising soon... intend to buy the Full-Sized Flexible Keyboard so I have the number pad and quieter typing, a USB light so I can work in the dark, DVI-RGB cable so I can connect my laptop to most TVs. I also want to buy the Leatherman Charge XTi. Cheapest I found was at army market, selling for $180. But that's if I have money la. Haha!

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"It's like a spider web."
"Ya, it is. The more you struggle, the more tangled you become...
... so you should just not move."
"And then the spider will come & eat me."
"There's no spider in this case. Abandoned web."
"Heh..."

Sometimes, things will sort themselves out somehow. As the saying goes, 船到橋頭自然直。If we try to take things in our own hands, the boat might just capsize. Haha! K, not making much sense here. All I wanna say is, sometimes, life throws problems at us that we can't really do anything about. All we can do is wait it out.

"The chemistry's different already."

HCl (aq) + NaOH (aq) -----> NaCl (aq) + HOH (l)

How can salt water become a mixture of hydrochloric acid and sodium hydroxide? If can, then the sea will be a constant chemical reaction of acid and base. If HCl & NaOH are not allowed to react, the relationship between them will be just that: HCl & NaOH. Things change when both chemicals react. And when there are changes, things will never be the same again. Almost no matter what you do, things cannot go back to their original state.

Things cannot go back to their original state...

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"Our day will come
And we'll have everything.
We'll share the joy
Falling in love can bring.

No one can tell me
That I'm too young to know
I love you so
And you love me.

Our day will come
If we just wait a while.
No tears for us -
Think love and wear a smile.

Our dreams have magic
Because we'll always stay
In love this way.
Our day will come."

-Ruby and the Romantics: Our Day Will Come

I love you. Even though things come between us, and I'm a stupid thing, and I'm many a times a wooden block, I still love you. And if that's not enough, my life I'm willing to give for you. My body is yours... Our day will come. Just you wait. =)

Love me if you dare... 00:56
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Saturday, December 09, 2006

Day before camp!

Today's the last entry for the following week because... I'm going to CAMP!!! Yay! St John Island, this year's camp's held. Haha! Looking forward to half-army kinda life... These past few years have been getting too comfortable I think. But I suppose the reasoning is that everyone enjoys themselves during camp.

I think that only when campers have to suffer do they start to form bonds that run deeper and are more lasting. But well... *shrugs* Kids nowsadays... haha!

Hey, don't be indignant. I've seen/heard comments that point to such pamperedness ok...

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You didn't fail to see the happiness... I failed to make you see.
You weren't too harsh... You were right.

Roller coasters are fun... but not when u fall out of the seat. I'm sorry I didn't buckle you securely enough. I'm sorry u had to fall out. I'll never let that happen again, as far as my ability allows.

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Funny how things just happen. And funny how u can't control those things... like, you feel so at a loss can? Like, huh? And u wonder what it is that kicks off the string of events and u can't help but feel 冤枉 lor. Do u even know what I'm saying? *si-i-igh*

"Oh yes, I'm the great pretender,
Pretending that I'm doing well.
My need is such I pretend too much,
I'm lonely but no one can tell.

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender,
Adrift in a world of my own.
I play the game but to my real shame
You've left me to dream all alone.

Too real is this feeling of make believe;
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal.
Oooh oooh yes I'm the great pretender,
Just laughing and gay like a clown.
I seem to be what I'm not, you see..."

-The Platters: The Great Pretender

I love you so much... I feel like I can do anything for you. Anything at all, to make you feel safe and secure.

Love me if you dare... 21:18
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Thursday, December 07, 2006

Not worth it...

"You made me feel so loved...
You made me feel you're different."

Different...

I ain't that unique after all, am I? All these years of building up my image as someone different... I always have to be different. I do things different, I feel things different, I see things different, I talk different, I even try to think different.

So even after 8 years of extroverted behaviour, craziness, spontaneity, lameness, loving, caring abit more extremely, patience, good temper, giving in (being trampled upon), going with the flow, standing out, standing up, voicing out, being there, I'm still just like everyone else. A jerk. A worthless, useless, stupid, don't-know-any-better, bloody jerk, just like all the other jerks out there.

ISFP... Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving.

Do I fit any of these? Coz apparently I'm an ISFP.
Introverted? Am I?
Sensing & feeling? I'm a block of wood...
Perceiving? Life is 10% logic, 90% perception. Right now, I dunno what I'm perceiving...

Thank you... but I'm so not worth it...

Sorry...

“不要问我一生曾经爱过多少人，
你不懂我伤有多深。
要剥开伤口总是很残忍，
劝你别作痴心人，
多情暂且保留几分。

不喜欢孤独，卻又害怕两个人相处，
这分明是一种痛苦。
在人多时候最沉默，笑容也寂寞。
在万丈红尘中啊~ 找个人爱我。
当我避开妳的柔情后，泪开始堕落。

是不敢不想不应该，再谢谢妳的爱。
我不得不存在啊~ 像一颗尘埃，
还是会带给你伤害。

是不敢不想不应该，再谢谢妳的爱。
我不得不存在啊~ 在妳的未来，
最怕这样就是带妳永遠的伤害。”

-刘德华：謝謝妳的愛

U always say u still love me. I never doubted you. But if u cannot take it, please go away. I hate to hurt u. I can't bear it. I hate myself...

Love me if you dare... 01:59
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I'd really love to see you tonight...

"... We could go walking through a windy park,
Or take a drive along the beach.
Or stay at home and watch TV,
You see, it really doesn't matter much to me.

I'm not talking 'bout moving in,
And I don't want to change your life.
But there's a warm wind blowing,
The stars are out,

And I'd really love to see you tonight..."

-England Dan & John Ford Coley: I'd Really Love To See You Tonight

Yes darling, I'd really love to see you tonight... every night. Missing you so much honey... so so much...

Love me if you dare... 00:37
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Monday, December 04, 2006

Past week...

Oooo... apparently I blogged on Friday! Haha!

Ok, now I shall go into details...

About work, the first day was mostly manual labour... hoisting up lights & carrying & placing lights & stuff... 4 Mac2000's, 8 Studio Colors... Think we put up the Cyberlights Turbo on the 3rd day. K, I know most of u (or even all of u) dunno what I'm talking about. Basically they're ust different models of moving lights la... Can change colors, can move in a sphere... quite cool. Haha! But every night Eugene has to programme until very late lor... to suit the director's instructions.

Wah, speaking of the director... His name's Jeremiah. Wah lau, super gay can! One line's completely stuck in my head. Y'know when someone says or does something that angers you, and u get angry, k, what I'd normally say is like, "Wah lau! How can she do that?" or something along that line. Know what Jeremiah said (man, it's such a wrong name for him)? "I'm so terribly upset!" in a gay-ish tone. I dunno if u can imagine la... hai. Later on Eugene asked him if he was ok, he was like "I'm ok. It's just that I'm a control freak... You have to be a control freak to be a director you know?" Thing is, he's not much of a good director. K, not in the aspects of lighting. He keeps telling Eugene to shine on stage when he shines on the tentage coz it's gonna look so empty. I was like, there're gonna be people on stage! Hello?! I told Richard (our boss) about that, and he said ya, Jeremiah's not good at visualising... seems like they worked together before.

Anyways, it's a nice experience, albeit tiring. I was put in charge of the Cyberlights outside at the carpark. So programming them became my responsibility. Easy stuff la... haha! Only 3 cues. Dancing when Senior Minister Goh arrives, light up the school logos when he goes over for a photo, and the rest of the night. Haha!

By the time the event finished & we packed up everything, it was 1am le. 1:30am the truck arrived and we got a lift to Toa Payoh... Saved $4+ on cab fare! =) Anyways, got home, bathe & ate a quische (I think that's how u spell it) for breakfast, and slept at 3am. Woke up at 4:30am, lazed in bed for about 20min, then got up & went out to the 166 bus stop to wait for a cab. Haha! Yes, Sunday! It's 21km! It was a nice run, really. Abit slower than I would run but that day's not about me... it's all about someone... her achievment. I guess that someone has something to be proud of for now! 21km! Not all that easy if u ask me. =) Yes, I'm proud of you dear, really! K? Haha! Hope ur feet will not deteriorate... and ur knee too, for that matter. Haha!

Ok, went to SITEX after the run (of course, came home to bathe first la, and shopped shortly with Esther, Mike & Ho Chin of which was a hilarious incident. He like, totally nver shopped before can! Hahaha! Superly funny la! You should've seen him shop. Or even better, shop with him!) and walked awhile... wah, so fast it's like 8:30pm le la! Anyways, I didn't get anything... too rushed. Next time PC Shows must go twice... 1st to see what u wanna buy, 2nd to get what u want.

Ok, tmr I'm going Ubin with Mike's class! Haha! P5 & P6's... Yay yay yay! Cycling! That's why, I better sleep now. Haha!

G'night peeps!

I love the way you love me... and I love you, above all the things that you do! Dunno how to express... haha! *hugs*

Love me if you dare... 23:40
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Friday, December 01, 2006

Work... *bleahs*

Short short entry...

Tuesday till today, worked. With Eugene... at Tanjong Katong Secondary... Melisa's secondary school! Haha! They're having school anniversary celebration... I think 50th or something? Not too sure. Anyways, it's gonna be a grand thingy... Goh Chok Tong also coming lor... Well, coz he's the Marine Parade GRC head or something.

Anyways, have been staying there late the past few days... Tuesday got home at 4am, Wednesday earlier, at 12mn, coz the generator ran outta diesel & we can't do anymore things. Tonight, reached home 4:30am. So tiring...

We're doing the lightshow by the way... It's just programming the lights to turn here turn there & change color & change pattern & all to suit the performances on stage. And another section is to illuminate the school entrance as if we're having a big party like that. Haha! Moving colored & patterned lights... yep. Aiyah, mostly Eugene is doing all the programming la. I'm there for manual labour or just an extra hand only.

Oh, today (as in Thursday) before I went to TKSS, met Laverne, Loraine & Sidney to go ice-skate. Haha! So fun! Must bring more ppl go ice-skate... Who wanna go?! Hahaha!

Ok ok... I go sleep le. Tmr 3pm must reach TKSS again. How am I gonna run 21km on Sunday with so little rest? Die die die...

Good night ev'rybody!

3 days, 3 nights... I can't believe I actually lived through 9months without seeing u. I miss you so much, and I love you so much... Seeing all the students in sch just reminds me of you... you, you, you, you... only you... *whines*

Love me if you dare... 05:10
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