Colorless

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Incompetent, insecure, low self-esteem...

Merry Christmas everybody! =)

Except... this Christmas doesn't seem so merry after all. =(

Had a Christmas party over @ Freda's old place at Phillips Ave on Sunday night. The programs were quite fun, the food was fantastic (thanks to Zhiwei & Dennis & Simin ++), the fellowship was awesome! Yay! Haha! A couple of us (equates to about 20 or less) stayed overnight. K la, I'd have to say it was pretty boring. Coz there weren't any programs planned, there wasn't anything to do either. So people just stayed around & talked & watched TV & played cards & stuff... Went out for prata at what, 3+? By the time we got back, it was about 5+ already & Freda's rooster was crowing with all its might. Haha!

Monday, after a sleepless or tiny amounts of sleep, most of us went out for brunch, which was really lunch, at 11+ at Kovan hawker. Haha! It was from there that all of us went our seperate ways: home to sleep for most, Zhixiang & I went to Shawn's house to nap for a half hour before we had to gather at PLMGPS at 4:30pm to help arrange the tables & chairs, which, to my dismay, was already done when we got there. Heh.

Dinner was alright la... Food-wise, I suppose it was abit better than last year, otherwise it'd be like, the same year after year lor. I have to admit I do feel abit out. I dunno why I felt this way, I just felt... lonely? Is that the correct word? Hmm... I dunno. Quiet. U might get my drift, but otherwise, it's ok. Doesn't really matter whether u understand me anot. I don't expect many to anyways. *sigh*

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Do I have a self-esteem problem? Sometimes I think I do y'know, as unbelievable as it might seem. *sigh* What's wrong with me? I'm a green-eyed monster too... *roar*

I know this is nuts, but I just can't help feeling this way. I thought only I could bring happiness of that degree to ur life. I thought maybe only I could make u feel like a princess. I thought maybe only I could've treated you this well. Guess I thought wrong...

You're so lovable, so adorable, so cheerful and free, so popular. I guess it wouldn't have made a difference whether or not I was in your life... really. Even without me, everyone and anyone can cheer u up, keep you happy, love you much, treat u right. You would say no one makes u feel like I do. U wouldn't know that now, would u? =)

It's not that I don't want you to be happy with other friends. I do! I'm really happy when you're happy. It's just... that gnawing feeling when I see that it is not I who brought that hearty laughter... I do suppose it's selfishness, or at least, stems from selfishness. Yes. I'm such a selfish freak... Sometimes I wonder if I'm really being nice because I'm nice or because subconciously I'm calculating some form of reward or return... I shudder to think that the latter is even possible. *shudders* There... see?

Am I being fair to you? You have SO-O-O much of life ahead of you... Why be tied down to me? I'm getting older, and very soon, our lifestyles will be so totally different. Why be tied down to me? Go taste the world, see places, feel people, hear nature... Am I being fair to you?

Am I?
Stupid gnawing feeling... I hate you!!! Don't gnaw anymore!
I can never want to hurt you...

*roar*
Sorry darling... I can't help it... *shame*

Love me if you dare... 01:31
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