Colorless

Sunday, September 23, 2007

2 girls...

Everytime I see you, or anything, or anyone related to you, I get really depressed.

Like this morning, when I was in the sanctuary early, I bowed down my head to pray. For a quiet heart, to focus on GOD, to concentrate during sermon. When I lifted my head & everyone was about, I felt better... abit queasy, but better. Then Jiamin & Simin came & sat next to me... so had a little chat & laughter.

But when the service was gonna start, I saw ur dad walking up to ur mum, and he was laughing and talking... and I saw ur sis there too... and it got me thinking of you. And I couldn't really concentrate during the whole service. Guilt has a way of killing whatever liveliness you have in you such that a walk in the rain wasn't enough to refresh. Saw you a couple of times and it actually felt like you were really trying to avoid me... conveniently dodging behind some bigger sized people so that you wouldn't need to see me and make conversation. And even when I was leaving church, you came down and saw me looking at you, but your eyes averted my gaze and you went on your way...

*ouch*

It felt like a stab in my chest... but I know I had to live this pain for as long as I'm not supposed to communicate with you. It really is bloody hard... Everytime I keep asking myself, to ruin a friendship or to break a promise? And I always get no answer... but no answer would automatically mean the former. And I hate for that to happen. *sigh*

Life's emotional strains...

Serves me right...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You... you're the bane of my life... one that I want to hold on to, one that I hug in my dreams... one that I'm not willing to let go. One that I miss so so so much...

Life is a misery here in Singapore... Why did I ever come back? Oh, right... coz I had to... coz stupid Andy didn't bother to apply for my work visa... *waves fist at Andy*

Today, 芳連老師asked me if I was going back to Australia, and I said yes, to work. Then to my surprise, he was like, “爲什麽？這裡沒有人留你啊？我留你啦。不要離開啦。這邊這樣多朋友，這麽多熟悉的人。”Haha! Thanks for wanting me to stay, but I guess for now, I just can't really fit back in with all the people in church...

I CAN'T GO TO OCF CAMP!!! =((((((( Major xianness... wah lau... wah lau wah lau wah lau!!!! ARGH!!! I want to go-o-o-o-o... Mount Glorious leh... Mount GLORIOUS leh!!!

Ah what the heck...

Like I told Mel, I'm an escapist, just like Lawrence said she was. Haha! I'll just submerge myself in mindless cartoons and Robin Cook's medical thrillers or Dean Koontz's novels... and in seemingly dead-end hunts for jobs...

"A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lies have made me colder,
And I don't think I can look at this the same.

But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face.

I'm here without you baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams,
And tonight, it's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello.
I've heard this life is overrated,
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go,
It gets hard but it wont take away my love.
And when the last one falls,
When it's all said and done,
It gets hard but it wont take away my love."

-Three Doors Down: Here Without You

Love me if you dare... 18:16
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