Colorless

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Esther Huang...

Once again, my day is totally affected because of your presence. I'm not saying that it's your fault. Not at all... I guess after 5 Sundays back here, 4 of which seeing you puts me at ultra unease, it's time I look for another place to worship GOD without distraction... at least until I can talk to you proper...

Today was the closest I've been to you since I came back... 2 feet? Every Sunday, I try to avoid you... I even try to avoid letting you see me! Today was the same. I only went in for fellowship because I didn't see you in there... Even when I sat down just to your right, I didn't realize it was you... not until I shifted to sit behind you. By then, it was too late to back out. So I stayed and maintained as low a profile as I could. I wanted to go for lunch with the rest too, but I figured if you were going, I wouldn't go... At first, I saw ur mum & sis waiting for you downstairs, so I thought maybe you wouldn't be joining the rest for lunch, so I agreed to go. But when they left & I saw u there with the rest, I decided I wouldn't go already. I walked out to the bus stop wishing & wishing so hard that my bus would come & I'd just board & go without having to try to avoid you... Of course, that didn't happen. But when u boarded the bus with Isaac, I already flagged the bus down, so I decided I'd just go home. I didn't feel like I want to hang around people anyways...

Next time you see me, know that wherever everyone goes, if you're there, I'll try my best not to be ok? If I'm there, it was never my intention to haunt you. It was never my intention to hurt you either. And it will never be.

I just don't understand... I thought you said you were ok? I thought things were getting better for you? Why did you lie then? What happened? Why do you hate to see me? Why do you loath meeting my eyes? Will we ever talk again?

I just wished things turned out better than they have.

So much for friendship... =(

It's not just you. Really. I just don't feel like I belong anymore... things have changed. Maybe Bingjun was right when he told Simin that we're hanging around in Youth too much... we're too old for that. We need a deeper sense of belonging than just being around people who we know superficially. We need a deeper understanding of our faith, and probably even a more active living out of our faith than we are currently indulging in. We need to move on...

... to where? I dunno... for my case, not PL anymore... I'm going someplace else for the time being... alone. Don't follow me. Don't ask me...

Love me if you dare... 15:32
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