Colorless

Monday, December 17, 2007

Confusion...

My first was a disaster coz I was like a timid mouse.

My second was a beauty in comparison and was really sweet and lovely. Yet, because of a misunderstanding, and because I felt so strongly that GOD had plans for me in Brisbane, I ended this one with downturned lips.

Now it seems that GOD has brought me back here for a reason, and it seems also that he's testing my resolve to try hard at my next relationship. And it really is hard. I can't work under pressure. I need time to think. In fact, lots of time. I like to weigh the pros and cons, I like to imagine the outcomes of whatever possible path there is to take. I like to hear other people's point of views. I like to know as much as I can before I make a decision.

But it feels like the world is crashing in around me. An answer is demanded of me, and I can't keep up answering it... and because of that, it seemed as though my feelings were all a facade... a show put up for GOD-knows-who to see... an evil plot to just be a playboy and toy with the feelings of an innocent girl.

Well, lemme say this to justify myself: I know the feelings were real. I know it never was a facade. I know it was intended to be the bestest love story I can ever write about. But I also know that feelings for another are as real as my having to face not working in a field I love. I know that whatever hesitation I make will be deemed as a default answer that is not in my favour. I know that I do not want to lie or say something in haste and later regret it because that would only make things worse. I just want to think about how I should say things, how I should do things, how I should view things, and what I need to do next.

My perseverence for trying hard is wearing thin. I'm almost on the brink of not arguing and taking the easy route out... that is, to be a bastard of a playboy and go round hurting everyone's feelings just so I can be off the hook from all the bloody thinking. Yet, I do not want to be known as a bastard, much as I already am.

How many people actually understand what I'm going through? How many people actually know my pain? How many people actually live in and realize they live in reality?

Love me if you dare... 00:21
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