Colorless

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Shite...

Why is it I only have the urge to blog when unhappy things happen? Whatever happened to "positively happy"?

So I've always been a disappointment in your life, is that it? From the smallest thing, like not coming to pick you up, to the bigger things like not having the urge to look for a job, not having the "want" to eat with your extended family, not putting in the effort to talk or think of where to go... In all of these (and more) I have disappointed you.

It's not like I'm uber intimidated. It's just me and a series of thoughts leading to such an impression that makes me feel rather small... is that wrong for me to think that, to feel that? It seems like suddenly I'm surrounded with people who have no cares in the world and can just do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, go wherever they want... To put it short and sweet, they have the moolah.

In contrast to my family, my brother's quitting the Air Force, my sister isn't earning enough to survive on her own, my dad's paying to work, my mum's earning barely enough to pay for power and water, and I'm earning everything for my own use to fly back to Australia to look for a job. To look for a job!!! I don't even have a confirmed opportunity. Shit! And I'm gonna be spending what I've earned in the past 6months on a trip like that. It's not that money means the world to me, but hey, c'mon... we can't live in Singapore without money. And sometimes, I just wonder why are things this way? And in such a situation, why do we still have to have reunion dinner at the Carlton? $45+++ per head for an incomplete family reunion. My first thought was: Why bother? But can I not go? No-o-o...

It's things like that that cause me to feel the way I feel... Can't I feel? People make mistakes, can't I? I know some things are just teasing and making fun and stuff... but some things are not nice to tease about what... So low rank only. 3rd Sergeant. So what? U think I want is it? Officer big ah? Ok, officer big. But I'm out of army, hello? A military personnel can never be bigger than a civilian. Who cares about my rank? You can tear it off for all I care! 3rd Sergeant... pui! I know it's just making fun, and it's not like I'm someone who cannot take the poke. I just feel an air of arrogance, a haughty, high-and-mighty attitude... like suddenly everyone is looking down on me. I know of course, that's not true, and I have no evidence to prove it.

Ok ok... I know the cause of all this crap...

It's me... again... as usual...

My low self-esteem, my low self-worth... I'm making this all up in my mind...

How I wish I'm mad... insane... Nobody would love me then, nobody would want to be near me... then I can be alone and condemn myself to the ground. And the best thing is, nobody would care...

And then there're those people who talk or do things without thinking. I wonder if they even have a heart or a brain... maybe they have neither... or maybe they have both but are so self-centred that they don't give a smidgen of thought to others. What's the bloody point of telling her that I have someone new and that I'm introducing her to everyone? Do you want to cause more pain than is already caused? Do you want to snip the thin thread of friendship we have?

It really really feels pointless in building bonds, only to have a scissor-head who goes around cutting off those bonds like they are pieces of waste paper. I know I'm in no position to say I have done anything, but I'm really considering giving up altogether. I still have some of my roots at PL, but I tell you, this time, it just feels so much easier to uproot and leave for good... for good!

Maybe I should... since I'm a bad example to the younger ones.

It's time indeed... time to leave... I'm sorry.

My life feels aimless. The future is bleak. My only hope is in GOD... and pray that I listen hard and listen well, lest I fall into the pits of hell all around me...

Love me if you dare... 00:43
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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Nothingness...

Everytime I wanna blog about something, by the time I get to a computer, I have already forgotten whatever I wanna blog about. Nevertheless, I shall just rant. Maybe I will inspire me to remember...

Went to airport with Mel after work today... Terminal 3 is really quite long... and the Kopitiam there is uber expensive! The cheapest plate of hokkien mee costs $5 and the quantity is like $1.50 of outside portion... -.- But it's ok. Haha! Kat bought it to share... *grin* I got myself a Phad Thai, Mel got an egg prata and Tandoori chinken, Kat got indian food...

Why go airport to eat at an expensive Kopitiam? Coz Kat is leaving so soon, back to Melbourne she goes... So sad can? Monday she start school already... and her flight got delayed for 2h, then her parents had to go church for something, and Mel & I have to go Auntie Jane's house for Bible Study, leaving poor Kat at the airport alone for 2 more hours... I can feel Mel's pain at having to leave her there... really. Coz I know how it feels that you're leaving and nobody's there to see you off. Of course, I don't need ppl to send me off la... it's just nice to have someone there, y'know what I mean?

*sigh*

Suddenly, my mood goes down the drain... feel so moody. Even though tomorrow is Carolyn's wedding dinner, I don't really feel like going... I don't know what to get for a couple who does not have any qualms for anything material.

Many things happened recently... for one, Malu got hospitalised, at first for blurred vision. Later, doctors said she had supertension (my dub of super hypertension) and had to be hospitalised. Even later, she was found to have kidney problems and one of her kidneys supposedly is only working at 15-20%! Wow... And then later, I was told her cholesterol level is like, 8? And a normal person's one is like 3 or 4? It got me thinking that I should go for a check-up some time soon... I bet my cholesterol level is like 20 or something... haha!

*sigh*

Had dinner with the young adults from ORPC on Tuesday... namely Louis, Timothy, Jenny, Daniel, Claire, Mel, and Danielle (I think that's how it's spelt). It was a really enjoyable time, all the crap, all the nonsense. It reminded me of the young adults of PL... Zhiwei, Bingjun, Dennis, Simin, Doris they all...

*sigh*

Work's been boring. Ok, I admit that there are times when it's been interesting and quite fun, but the bulk of it is mostly admin stuff... and like, I don't feel involved in the whole thing. I only do things they ask me to do, and so it's hard for me to be proactive. But that's fine I guess, since it's not a field I'd want to be in long-term. So it is that I do a little bit here and there, finish my task fast, and I have to ask for more jobs again... and there'll usually be a couple of small things to do here & there... and I have to keep asking and asking and asking. They don't feel irritated, I also feel irritated.

*sigh*

Then it feels like suddenly the people I'm around with are financially more blessed. I know it doesn't really mean anything, but to me, it all adds up. All the small things in life add up to cost. And I'm not financially capable of shouldering that cost for long. I want to save enough for me to go back to Brisbane soon after my contract ends. But I did some calculation, and if I were to save $1000 a month, I have to survive on $2 lunches and $4 dinners, and I cannot buy the things I want, nor can I do much shopping. Per month, my float is only $80, assuming my calculations are correct...

*sigh*

*sigh sigh sigh*

I'm quite at a loss, really... I'm not saving money at all am I? Heh... =(

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And I wonder, who played with you?
Who defeated you, and in what sense?
What did you find out that seemed to hurt you so much?

Love me if you dare... 00:46
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Friday, January 18, 2008

Love me if you dare... 17:33
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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sucks to be me...

I just can't do anything right can I?

Whatever I intended to do never comes to happen.
Whatever I want to do never gets planned.
Whatever I hope for always gets dashed.

I'm just such a lousy kind of person. Yes, I am. Don't bother to try and make me feel better. I won't. Even if I look like I do, deep down inside, I know what kind of person I am and nobody knows it better than myself, so don't tell me what I'm not and all that kind of crap.

So here I am taking a super long time to get down to doing something. Maybe I'm a perfectionist. I dunno. I guess in some ways I am. So the perfect moment never comes... or just gets swept away in a hurricane of things on New Year's Day, and I left you dangling for months and months. I'm sorry. I know a "sorry" is not enough but that's the best I can offer right now, in this stupid webspace. I'll do something about it. I'll be content with a second rate proposal.

So much for romance and being sweet and making you the happiest girl on earth. What am I? Living in a fairytale? Eh, bloody clown, time to wake up ok? There are people waiting for you to start a real life in the real world... Go live your dreams in dreamland where they belong.

Sheesh... I'm even starting to talk to myself. Losing my mind, I see... Well, I'm losing my life, losing my friends, losing my loved ones too... might as well lose my mind too. *shrugs*

Screw life...

Love me if you dare... 00:39
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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Financial Crisis

Hmm... even though I shouldn't be saying this, but since I'm so free right now and have completed all the tasks assigned to me for the day, I shall blog.

It's been some time since I last blogged hasn't it? Well, from the last post till now, I have spent a whole lot of money... haha!

Let's see...

$280 on a Nikon FM2n + 35-70mm f3.5-4.8
$104 on 2 G2000 pants and 1 shirt
$31 on another G2000 shirt
$68 on a Goldlion double-sided belt with 2 buckles
$? on expensive dinners and not-so-expensive dinners

Actually, some of them I got before the last post la... oh wells!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok... so much for nothing to do. Everything's flooding me now... shit. See ya soon! Hahaha!

Love me if you dare... 17:17
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Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy New Year... right.

You probably don't believe it but I wanted to spend the new year with you too. I even had sparklers in my bag to play with... 2 lighters and a tealight candle to keep the fire burning.

Why did things have to turn out this way?

What's so happy about the new year? It's just another 365 days to pass, a daily choice of whether you wanna be dreadful or happy.

Seems like today was a dreadful choice.

Now I know how you feel when I feel inferior and keep putting myself down. Nevertheless, that doesn't make me feel any less inferior.

What a screwed up start to the new year. Happy your head...

Love me if you dare... 00:54
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