Colorless

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Shite...

Why is it I only have the urge to blog when unhappy things happen? Whatever happened to "positively happy"?

So I've always been a disappointment in your life, is that it? From the smallest thing, like not coming to pick you up, to the bigger things like not having the urge to look for a job, not having the "want" to eat with your extended family, not putting in the effort to talk or think of where to go... In all of these (and more) I have disappointed you.

It's not like I'm uber intimidated. It's just me and a series of thoughts leading to such an impression that makes me feel rather small... is that wrong for me to think that, to feel that? It seems like suddenly I'm surrounded with people who have no cares in the world and can just do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, go wherever they want... To put it short and sweet, they have the moolah.

In contrast to my family, my brother's quitting the Air Force, my sister isn't earning enough to survive on her own, my dad's paying to work, my mum's earning barely enough to pay for power and water, and I'm earning everything for my own use to fly back to Australia to look for a job. To look for a job!!! I don't even have a confirmed opportunity. Shit! And I'm gonna be spending what I've earned in the past 6months on a trip like that. It's not that money means the world to me, but hey, c'mon... we can't live in Singapore without money. And sometimes, I just wonder why are things this way? And in such a situation, why do we still have to have reunion dinner at the Carlton? $45+++ per head for an incomplete family reunion. My first thought was: Why bother? But can I not go? No-o-o...

It's things like that that cause me to feel the way I feel... Can't I feel? People make mistakes, can't I? I know some things are just teasing and making fun and stuff... but some things are not nice to tease about what... So low rank only. 3rd Sergeant. So what? U think I want is it? Officer big ah? Ok, officer big. But I'm out of army, hello? A military personnel can never be bigger than a civilian. Who cares about my rank? You can tear it off for all I care! 3rd Sergeant... pui! I know it's just making fun, and it's not like I'm someone who cannot take the poke. I just feel an air of arrogance, a haughty, high-and-mighty attitude... like suddenly everyone is looking down on me. I know of course, that's not true, and I have no evidence to prove it.

Ok ok... I know the cause of all this crap...

It's me... again... as usual...

My low self-esteem, my low self-worth... I'm making this all up in my mind...

How I wish I'm mad... insane... Nobody would love me then, nobody would want to be near me... then I can be alone and condemn myself to the ground. And the best thing is, nobody would care...

And then there're those people who talk or do things without thinking. I wonder if they even have a heart or a brain... maybe they have neither... or maybe they have both but are so self-centred that they don't give a smidgen of thought to others. What's the bloody point of telling her that I have someone new and that I'm introducing her to everyone? Do you want to cause more pain than is already caused? Do you want to snip the thin thread of friendship we have?

It really really feels pointless in building bonds, only to have a scissor-head who goes around cutting off those bonds like they are pieces of waste paper. I know I'm in no position to say I have done anything, but I'm really considering giving up altogether. I still have some of my roots at PL, but I tell you, this time, it just feels so much easier to uproot and leave for good... for good!

Maybe I should... since I'm a bad example to the younger ones.

It's time indeed... time to leave... I'm sorry.

My life feels aimless. The future is bleak. My only hope is in GOD... and pray that I listen hard and listen well, lest I fall into the pits of hell all around me...

Love me if you dare... 00:43
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