Colorless

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Dejected

I really feel quite detached from life in Brisbane. Well, naturally, because I'm not there! But still... *sigh* It feels like I'm out of the game and will never fit in as nicely as I had before anymore... ever.

Happy birthday to you, my dear. I really hope you have a great time today, even though there'll be less people celebrating for you, I think it's nice to just be with those who are closer, who are always there, to have a nice cosy dinner and talk about life. You really are a blessed girl, you know that? You just haven't realized how blessed. Really.

Anyways, I wanted to buy you girls dinner, because I'll feel part of it, even if my physical being isn't there. But you didn't let me. You didn't want to use my money. And it really feels saddening that you're unknowingly rejecting my being part of the little celebration that you're having.

Nevertheless, it's your birthday and you have the right to choose who you want to invite to the dinner table. I guess there's no point letting you know and upsetting this special day, is there?

Once again, happy birthday. And I hope that I'll be there for you for many many more birthdays to come.

I love you sweetheart...

Love me if you dare... 16:39
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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Poo... =(

It feels very much like talking to me nightly doesn't seem so important anymore... because you've got Charles and the others with you. *sigh*

Yes, I'm really jealous. Yet I do not want you to stop or lessen your interaction with them (him) significantly. I know you feel insecure as it is already... what with you thinking you have no friends or close friends, I do not want you to cut off from anyone. I'm happy that you've found a niche... a group of friends, whether close or not, that you can hang out with and have fun together. Really... I really am happy for you. And I'm glad that you've got these bunch of people to make life in Brisbane a fun and memorable time. Believe me when I say that k?

Charles is a nice guy, I know. And I know you can clique really well with him... and you enjoy talking to him, and can even talk to him through the night. And I know there's nothing going on between the 2 of you... that's why I'm not saying anything to you. I want to trust you to not question you and your actions. I'm sorry, once again, for keeping this to myself...

"We're caught in a trap.
I can't walk out,
Because I love you too much baby.

Why can't you see
What you're doing to me,
When you don't believe a word I say?

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds.
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds.

So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello,
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again,
Asking where I've been.
You can't see these tears are real,
I'm crying?

Oh, let our love survive,
Or dry the tears from your eyes.
Let's don't let a good thing die.

When honey, you know,
I've never lied to you.
Mmm yeah, yeah."

-Elvis Presley: Suspicious Minds

Elvis said it spot on. We can't build our dreams on suspicious minds... More so, we can't go on together with suspicious minds. There's another song he sang that says why...

"Every time you kiss me I'm still not certain that you love me,
Every time you hold me I'm still not certain that you care
Though you keep on saying you really, really, really love me
Do you speak the same words to someone else when I'm not there.

Suspicion torments my heart,
Suspicion keeps us apart,
Suspicion why torture me.

Every time you call me and tell me we should meet tomorrow
I can't help but think that you're meeting someone else tonight,
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/aYx ]
Why should our romance just keep on causing me such sorrow?
Why am I so doubtful whenever you're out of sight?

Suspicion torments my heart,
Suspicion keeps us apart,
Suspicion why torture me.

Darling, if you love me, I beg you wait a little longer,
Wait until I drive all these foolish fears out of my mind,
How I hope and pray that our love will keep on growing stronger,
Maybe I'm suspicious 'cause true love is so hard to find.

Suspicion torments my heart,
Suspicion keeps us apart,
Suspicion why torture me."

-Elvis Presley: Suspicion

So no... I'm not gonna start imagining things. And sometimes, I just wanna be by myself and think of other things that won't make me start to think of the possibilities between u and someone else other than me.

This is just a phase... I'll get over it...

Really, I will...

Love me if you dare... 22:26
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Saturday, May 24, 2008

Hmm...

By now, you should have met your parents already. Haha! Hope you had a pleasant surprise... and hope that you'll have a good time with your parents there. You see how much they love you? Even though it's not the exact day of your birthday, you can't expect them to delay their trip for a week right? I wish my parents loved me this way... then again, I probably would've scolded them for wasting the money, since my family isn't as close as yours.

I really do wish I was there too... To be honest, at the moment I feel so out of your life. I keep telling myself that I need to give you space to go out with your friends and have fun, not be tied down to home and the internet, where we have most of our interactions. Yet, I can't help but feel depressed that you're always going out with Charles and Jono... and the others as well, of course. I keep feeling that you have a crush on him. And I feel that if I ceased to exist, you would've fallen head over heels in love with him already. He has a girlfriend, I know. But still, you can't really control your emotions when it comes.

I know all these stupid thoughts are just ridiculous and aren't really based on anything. But I'm still gonna say them, even though I know they're more irrational than anything. And that's why I'm not telling you any of these because I know if I did, you'd start restricting your friendship with him...

I feel upset that you will bring the mattress out to the living room to sleep together. Even though you're on seperate mattresses, you're still together, y'know what I mean? And the image of you 2 talking happily until the dawn, like we did, is just... *sigh*

Then last night, u said u might as him into your room to sleep, coz it's cold. And I know you'd leave the door open and you won't do anything, but I don't think it'd make a difference since both of the other doors are closed. Not that I don't trust that you'll not do anything, but you know that kind of feeling? You just can't help feeling things and imagining!

Yes, I know I'm a jealous possessive freak. I just feel like you're doing with another guy the things that I've done with you prior to our getting together... and it just feels not that special anymore... =( And now that so many people are celebrating your birthday with you, I just feel not a part of these, not a part of your happiness... because I can't be there.

Ah-h-h... this is shit. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what's been on my mind, even though we promised each other to do so. But I just don't see how this will be any good to the relationship. There is no way other than down if I were to voice my thoughts, so no, I won't say. The only chance you'll ever know is if you happen to stumble across this not-too-inventive new blog address, or if I decide to put this up for y'all again, or if I can't take it anymore and have to be abit more selfish than I already am right now.

For now, I just have to trust that your feelings for him, your friendship with him, will not develop into anything more than that. I know you & he can talk and get along really well, and I also believe that it's possible to have that kind of very close friendship between guy & girl, because it's like that with Joanna and I. So I just have to trust that it'll be like that with you and Charles too...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You told me to go hang out with some friends.

I was thinking of who to ask out with me to do the things that I need to do and want to do: Walking around in Sim Lim.

Joanna - working.
Bingjun - studying.
Zhiwei - probably working.
Bernice - probably would rather spend her time more wisely.

And I don't really feel like going out with anyone else already.

In effect, I have no friends left.

Shawn asked me last week, or maybe last last week, why I had to cut off contact with PL friends when my only issue is one person. I suppose things come in a pack, in a sense. When I left PL, it was for the best for the both of us. When I left PL, I also lost touch with the things that're happening in church: the youth activities, the newest lame joke, the latest gossip, that kind of thing. So even when I do meet up with people from PL, things will just feel so superficial, unless we're talking about things that transcend where we worship and who does what and why. Maybe it's because of that that I feel awkward meeting people these days. Don't know what to say. Goes to show how deep my friendships with people are. I guess it shows in the depth of conversation and the ease of which to strike one, who really can connect to you, even though you may be on different wavelengths.

Like last night, I met Joanna for dinner, then we could just catch up abit and start talking about church problems and the senior and junior youths. And it was a nice chat. Didn't do much. Just sat down to talk... and had some interesting revelations.

And I have no doubt the same will happen when I meet up with Bernice for a meal... and Sophia too. Really. Of course, I'm not saying the rest are incapable of deep talk. Maybe I just feel like they're less willing to? So in effect, I only have like, 3 friends I wanna hang out with.

But I guess I can't help it. One has to learn to live alone, even in the midst of a sea of people.

Will go Sim Lim later to look for Mac charger and maybe printer ink. Then maybe search abit for my scanner to see if prices drop. The-e-en... maybe I'll go to the library to borrow a couple of books. Thinking of going out to take photos... but we'll see how that goes la.

That's all for now. After pouring out my feelings, I feel rather empty right now. I don't belong anywhere... *sigh*

Love me if you dare... 09:38
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Sunday, May 18, 2008

蝴蝶

“当这世界已经准备将我遗弃，
像一个伤兵被留在孤独荒野里。
开始怀疑我存在有没有意义，
在别人眼里我似乎变成了隐形？
难道失败就永远翻不了身？
谁来挽救堕落的灵魂？

每次一见到你心理好平静，
就像一只蝴蝶飞过废墟。
我又能活下去，我又找回勇气，
你的爱像氧气帮忙我呼吸，
我又能呼吸。我又能呼吸！
你就是不愿意放弃。

生命中充满乱七八糟的问题，
像走在没有出口的那个迷宫里。
Oh no!
一次又一次只会用借口逃避，
怎么你从来没对我彻底的死心？
我有何德何能值得你珍惜，
为何你对我有求必应？

每次一想到你像雨过天晴。
看见一只蝴蝶飞过废墟
是那么的美丽，就像一个奇迹，
让我从倒下的地方站起!
Woo....

只要一靠近你就觉得安心。
你看着我的眼没有怀疑。
你对我的相信让我又能重生!
不管世界多冷我还有你
我有你。

爱我这样的人对你来说不容易
我的痛苦你也经历
你是唯一陪我到天堂与地狱！

每次一想到你像雨过天晴。
看见一只蝴蝶飞过了废墟。
我能撑得下去，我会忘了过去。
是你让我找回新的生命。
Yeah！

每次一见到你就心存感激，
现在我能坦然面对自己。
我会永远珍惜，我会永远爱你。
在我心底的你位置没有人能代替。
Yeah…

你就是那唯一”

-陶喆：蝴蝶

Love me if you dare... 22:02
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Drifted...

Everything has become tasteless. I'm only eating because it's what sustains me.

I'm missing you so much you know? And I really do understand that you have your own life and got your things to do. What with assignments and studying and OCF and netball... I know it's because of those things that you always come back late. And because I care for you, I don't want you to sleep too late either, so I always decline talking to you like we used to. I know you don't mind staying up later to talk to me, coz I wouldn't either. But... hai... I don't want you to be sleepy or tired or not be able to concentrate the next day just because you stayed up late to talk to me.

And truth be told that I'm abit uncomfortable that you're getting so close to Charles. But nevertheless, I don't want to restrict your circle of friends. You already feel that you don't have any friends, like real friends. If I were to say I'm uncomfortable, I'm very sure that you will greatly reduce your hanging out with him and the rest, which would in turn cause you to be even more depressed, which wouldn't help matters at all.

Like I mentioned in the last post, I really feel more and more apprehensive about going back. So many new people, all of whom everyone is close to now because of netball. I'll definitely definitely be like an outcast. Trust me. And then, maybe those 3 months will be like torture to me. I don't wanna spoil things for you... really... I don't want you to be tied down, much as you'd say it's not.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!

Shit! Bloody lump of squishy smelly shit! My LIFE is shit now... wah lau... I'll have you know I really really wanna say something vulgar now... AH-H-H-H!!!! *slams tables and laptops and plasma TV*

I shall not blog about this anymore... at least not today.

Bye.

Love me if you dare... 20:23
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Bloody Blacks

Here I am again, with no one to talk to, to talk with. I now realise the true purpose for the continuing existence of this blog. It's my silent warrior, listening to every warped idea I have, every dissatisfaction, every cry of anger, feelings of fear, happiness, etc etc... you get the idea.

Anyways, this morning I nearly got into a fight. Yes, very very nearly. How? Why?

There's this indian (as usual... -_-) guy at the bus stop. He spat on the road. I glanced at him. A few minutes later, another spit. This time, I turned and stared at him. He stared back at me and this kept up for some minutes. Unbelievably, he spat again, WHILST STARING AT ME! So I said, "Can you not spit?" Then he started coming up to me. "Why? Want to fight is it? Who are you to tell me what to do? You not happy is it?" and he continues droning on his barbaric babble. All the while, I was trying to contain my anger, I literally started shivering. I told him, "No, I don't want to fight. I just don't want you to spit." And he starts the cycle of babble again... "Who are you to tell me... blah blah blah blah." What a dunce... Anyways, I really didn't wanna fight, so I just shut my trap and looked away. Besides, I didn't think he'd stand a chance against me, even though I have never fought with anyone in my life. No, really! I really believe that he'd be easy to defeat. Sure, I would've sustained some bruises and cuts myself. But that'd be minor compared to what I'm capable of inflicting upon such an arrogant bastard.

Nevertheless, this episode has reinforced my utter dislike for all indians. They're black, they're dirty, they're smelly, they're inconsiderate, unconscientious, selfish and ugly. Granted, there're exceptions to these, but look around you and you'll see that approximately 50% of inconsideration in the Singaporean population is made up of these dark pungent oily race. The other 50% would be made up of teenagers from all races who do not have any values, old people who think they deserve a seat or some act of kindness from everybody, and chinese and malays who are too poor to buy themselves earphones for their PERSONAL entertainment devices.

Enough ranting from me now. The afternoon's still quite young. I think I shall waste my day away in front of the TV... Fairly Oddparents, Spongebob Squarepants, Danny Phantom, Teen Titans, Ben 10, Hannah Montana, Drake and Josh... the likes.

Cheers!

Love me if you dare... 13:58
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*sigh*

It's been a few days since we last talked like we used to...

I was reading your blog last time when you and Isaac were having problems... Reading backwards, I could only read up till November, and then I couldn't go on. It seemed like he brough you much more happiness than I did, and now that we're a continent apart, it just makes things harder. =( I know I need to trust in GOD, trust in our relationship. Believe me when I say I really tried. Really. But with all the things that have been happening, sometimes some thoughts just creep in. Conciously, I'd push those thoughts away because I know there's nothing to substantiate them. Yet on a subconcious level, it's constantly nagging at me at the back of my mind.

I constantly secretly fear that you'll leave me. It's not that I don't trust you. Really. But on the emotional level, anything can happen without rhyme or reason. Things may be illogical, totally crazy, but things still happen. I know crushes are very real, and although you consciously know that you love me, it really doesn't stop you from falling for someone else, especially with so much contact and such deep levels of friendship... it really isn't too difficult.

I missed you. Life has been busy for you, academically, recreationally. I understand that, and I'm so happy for you. But life has been mundane and monotonous for me. I have no friends, I have no one to turn to. I am alone in this world. And the thought of going back to Brisbane to join you and having to mingle with all the new people whom all of you have grown so close to, it just scares me. Like, I'm afraid I'll feel out of place and all, which is fine with me actually. I just don't wanna be holding you back from what you would've gone had I not been there, which I feel could've been many things. I imagine myself not feeling very welcome or fitting into the new group of people, yet having to oblige hanging out with everyone just because you're all knitted closer now, excluding me.

*sigh*

It IS hard to maintain a long-distance relationship...

I feel so empty, so lonely. So cold. Sometimes I shiver even in the hot sun of the afternoon.

Love me if you dare... 00:59
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Monday, May 12, 2008

Down in the Dumps

It's hard not to brood over life's shortcomings.

For the past 4 months or so, I've been cooping myself up at home everyday after work, in an effort to save money. On Saturdays, I've been spending time with nature and my camera, and going to the flea markets next to Sim Lim. And also Sim Lim, of course. But otherwise, it's home again for me.

And what can I do at home? Well, I suppose I could've done alot of things, but I chose to stay online and have cyber relationships with online shop owners and other no-life geeks on various forums. Of course, there's the occasional job hunt which would usually get me down in the pits because there'll be no matches on what I wanna do.

This morning when I was changing, a thought crept into my head. I've been working at the bank for so long without doing anything significant. I suppose if I were a lazy no-good bummer, I'd be content to stay on in this bank, getting paid what I'm paid, doing what I'm doing now (which isn't much, really) forever. It's enough to live, I guess. See? I've already saved up more than $5k. That's not alot by most standards, but it's the most ever for me. I've never ever exceeded the $2k mark in all my 25 years of miserable savings life. Yet, with all that money, I cannot buy the things I want, I cannot splurge on myself, because I need the cash to go back to Australia to hunt for jobs. Maybe limiting myself to Australia is a bad idea. Probably the US or even UK has better positions open? Let's see... if I go to the States, I fear being robbed by the poorer community, or getting caught in a New York City movie style crossfire between thugs and cops. Really. UK, I wouldn't be able to survive there for long with the amount of money I have, unless I have a guaranteed job position before I go there. How?

Fantasizing on the further continents, who do I know there? US, there's Mao's brother whom I've never met before. A-a-a-and... no more? UK, the only person I know is my jie, who's doing her PhD now in Milan, Italy.

*waves hands to clear the thought bubble*

If I weren't attached, I wouldn't mind taking my chances anywhere in the world. Imagine the variety of creatures I get to come into contact with! Wow! But let's not let imagination run wild. The fact is that I'm attached. So my more viable options for the next few years would either be Singapore or Australia. So now, I shall look for jobs once more...

*sigh*

Life is tough.

Love me if you dare... 10:48
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Saturday, May 03, 2008

Need... blog...

I think I have come to depend on blogging to vent my frustrations. And today shall be a cumulative vent.

Couple of days ago, I received an email from CSIRO telling me that they have found better candidates for a job. In other words, I have been rejected.

It's really quite demoralizing, no matter what I know in my heart. I know that GOD has a plan for me, and I know that GOD's plans will be better than mine. But I just find it hard to convince myself of a better plan when all I get are rejections. I know I need to have more faith in GOD, to trust in HIS providence and HIS will, yet, I struggle at that and try to squirm my way around. I guess faith really is a test of actions more than just lip service.

This arvo, I had already changed and packed my bag to head out and spend some time at some place where there's free aircon and free internet and free electricity. I also arranged for some guy to meet me at Toa Payoh MRT at 12:30pm to sell him my film scanner. Ha! 人算不如天算indeed! A water pipe that feeds to my washing machine and my bathroom taps suddenly sprung a small leak. Upon trying to seal it with plumber's tape (that white useless thingy), I inadvertantly loosen the already-loose piping, creating a larger leak. Pissed and hot and sweaty, I continued to try and wrap that stupid white tape around the leak, hoping aginst hope that it would somehow stop the water from dripping. Suddenly, the pipe just gave way and a huge gush of water spewed out... There's nothing to stop it! And the whole kitchen's gonna flood if this continues! Can you imagine, I'm all changed and everything, prepared to go out, and the water just kept splashing on me. Urgh! Plugged my thumb into the pipe opening to stop the water from spewing, and I had to use alot of force to keep the water in, which made me wonder how a stupid length of white plumber's tape can hold that pressure in. The pressure was so great that with one hand, there's still water leaking from the sides! I had to use both my hands and press really hard to hold the water in. And the pipe had jagged edges, so it cut my skin abit. Then with considerable effort, I jammed one thumb onto the pipe and reached for a pipe to channel all that water into the bathroom instead. And with all the water that flowed down the drain, it made me even more depressed to think that after all my scrimping and saving, eating plain $2 lunches EVERYDAY, all the money I saved is just going down the drain like that while waiting for a plumber to arrive and fix the situation.

This really sucks.

Anyways, Uncle Jianxi arrived with a 2-level wrench and twisted the mains shut. I have to say it was agonizing sitting in a pool of water that's flowing non-stop in my going-out clothes, with a cut on my thumb. Regardless, I quickly changed into a new set of clothes and rearranged for another meeting time to sell my scanner.

I will not go into the details. Anyway, I ended up at the flea/black market next to Sim Lim Tower again, looking for the uncle who sold me the 10-pack film last week. Found him but he didn't have any film this week, so I essentially went down for nothing. Went to SLT but didn't have any motivation to make any projects, so didn't buy anything. Went to SLS and looked for film scanners, and realized I still didn't know enough to make a decision there and then. So again, left the place without anything. In the end, I bought some snacks from ABC shop at Bugis Village, then headed home. Singapore's got nothing to do.

I think I shall go to Peirce tonight to try out night macro... Not too late... maybe just 9 or 10+... Then again, I might become too lazy to go out even.

Life is monotonous and boring and unfulfilling. Is it that hard to get a job that's your passion? Is it so hard to get a job you like?

Life sucks...

Love me if you dare... 19:04
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