Colorless

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Hmm...

By now, you should have met your parents already. Haha! Hope you had a pleasant surprise... and hope that you'll have a good time with your parents there. You see how much they love you? Even though it's not the exact day of your birthday, you can't expect them to delay their trip for a week right? I wish my parents loved me this way... then again, I probably would've scolded them for wasting the money, since my family isn't as close as yours.

I really do wish I was there too... To be honest, at the moment I feel so out of your life. I keep telling myself that I need to give you space to go out with your friends and have fun, not be tied down to home and the internet, where we have most of our interactions. Yet, I can't help but feel depressed that you're always going out with Charles and Jono... and the others as well, of course. I keep feeling that you have a crush on him. And I feel that if I ceased to exist, you would've fallen head over heels in love with him already. He has a girlfriend, I know. But still, you can't really control your emotions when it comes.

I know all these stupid thoughts are just ridiculous and aren't really based on anything. But I'm still gonna say them, even though I know they're more irrational than anything. And that's why I'm not telling you any of these because I know if I did, you'd start restricting your friendship with him...

I feel upset that you will bring the mattress out to the living room to sleep together. Even though you're on seperate mattresses, you're still together, y'know what I mean? And the image of you 2 talking happily until the dawn, like we did, is just... *sigh*

Then last night, u said u might as him into your room to sleep, coz it's cold. And I know you'd leave the door open and you won't do anything, but I don't think it'd make a difference since both of the other doors are closed. Not that I don't trust that you'll not do anything, but you know that kind of feeling? You just can't help feeling things and imagining!

Yes, I know I'm a jealous possessive freak. I just feel like you're doing with another guy the things that I've done with you prior to our getting together... and it just feels not that special anymore... =( And now that so many people are celebrating your birthday with you, I just feel not a part of these, not a part of your happiness... because I can't be there.

Ah-h-h... this is shit. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what's been on my mind, even though we promised each other to do so. But I just don't see how this will be any good to the relationship. There is no way other than down if I were to voice my thoughts, so no, I won't say. The only chance you'll ever know is if you happen to stumble across this not-too-inventive new blog address, or if I decide to put this up for y'all again, or if I can't take it anymore and have to be abit more selfish than I already am right now.

For now, I just have to trust that your feelings for him, your friendship with him, will not develop into anything more than that. I know you & he can talk and get along really well, and I also believe that it's possible to have that kind of very close friendship between guy & girl, because it's like that with Joanna and I. So I just have to trust that it'll be like that with you and Charles too...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You told me to go hang out with some friends.

I was thinking of who to ask out with me to do the things that I need to do and want to do: Walking around in Sim Lim.

Joanna - working.
Bingjun - studying.
Zhiwei - probably working.
Bernice - probably would rather spend her time more wisely.

And I don't really feel like going out with anyone else already.

In effect, I have no friends left.

Shawn asked me last week, or maybe last last week, why I had to cut off contact with PL friends when my only issue is one person. I suppose things come in a pack, in a sense. When I left PL, it was for the best for the both of us. When I left PL, I also lost touch with the things that're happening in church: the youth activities, the newest lame joke, the latest gossip, that kind of thing. So even when I do meet up with people from PL, things will just feel so superficial, unless we're talking about things that transcend where we worship and who does what and why. Maybe it's because of that that I feel awkward meeting people these days. Don't know what to say. Goes to show how deep my friendships with people are. I guess it shows in the depth of conversation and the ease of which to strike one, who really can connect to you, even though you may be on different wavelengths.

Like last night, I met Joanna for dinner, then we could just catch up abit and start talking about church problems and the senior and junior youths. And it was a nice chat. Didn't do much. Just sat down to talk... and had some interesting revelations.

And I have no doubt the same will happen when I meet up with Bernice for a meal... and Sophia too. Really. Of course, I'm not saying the rest are incapable of deep talk. Maybe I just feel like they're less willing to? So in effect, I only have like, 3 friends I wanna hang out with.

But I guess I can't help it. One has to learn to live alone, even in the midst of a sea of people.

Will go Sim Lim later to look for Mac charger and maybe printer ink. Then maybe search abit for my scanner to see if prices drop. The-e-en... maybe I'll go to the library to borrow a couple of books. Thinking of going out to take photos... but we'll see how that goes la.

That's all for now. After pouring out my feelings, I feel rather empty right now. I don't belong anywhere... *sigh*

Love me if you dare... 09:38
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