Colorless

Sunday, May 18, 2008

*sigh*

It's been a few days since we last talked like we used to...

I was reading your blog last time when you and Isaac were having problems... Reading backwards, I could only read up till November, and then I couldn't go on. It seemed like he brough you much more happiness than I did, and now that we're a continent apart, it just makes things harder. =( I know I need to trust in GOD, trust in our relationship. Believe me when I say I really tried. Really. But with all the things that have been happening, sometimes some thoughts just creep in. Conciously, I'd push those thoughts away because I know there's nothing to substantiate them. Yet on a subconcious level, it's constantly nagging at me at the back of my mind.

I constantly secretly fear that you'll leave me. It's not that I don't trust you. Really. But on the emotional level, anything can happen without rhyme or reason. Things may be illogical, totally crazy, but things still happen. I know crushes are very real, and although you consciously know that you love me, it really doesn't stop you from falling for someone else, especially with so much contact and such deep levels of friendship... it really isn't too difficult.

I missed you. Life has been busy for you, academically, recreationally. I understand that, and I'm so happy for you. But life has been mundane and monotonous for me. I have no friends, I have no one to turn to. I am alone in this world. And the thought of going back to Brisbane to join you and having to mingle with all the new people whom all of you have grown so close to, it just scares me. Like, I'm afraid I'll feel out of place and all, which is fine with me actually. I just don't wanna be holding you back from what you would've gone had I not been there, which I feel could've been many things. I imagine myself not feeling very welcome or fitting into the new group of people, yet having to oblige hanging out with everyone just because you're all knitted closer now, excluding me.

*sigh*

It IS hard to maintain a long-distance relationship...

I feel so empty, so lonely. So cold. Sometimes I shiver even in the hot sun of the afternoon.

Love me if you dare... 00:59
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