Colorless

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Exasperation

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH US?!

The WHOLE day we didn't get to communicate much. When we finally do, *sigh* Less than 3min. LESS THAN!

I don't understand. All I wanted was for you to get some proper rest. I really feel like a nag, always asking you to sleep early. I guess you're right. You can take care of yourself.

I'll try my best not to interfere with your sleep times again.

Sorry.

Love me if you dare... 23:47
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Grrrr...

Seriously, I wonder how I can take it...

I hate the fact that he's there to keep you company for these 2 nights till you fly home to me. But I know that if I let you know, you'll surely ask him to go home and you'll be alone in the house for 2 nights.

Well, I'd rather have him there in case anything happens, and so you won't be scared at night, than have you be scared and me being so far away, unable to comfort and ease your nerves. So yeah...

*sigh*

Love me if you dare... 10:45
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Frustrations of an Artist and the Inefficacy of a Bureaucracy

I was sharing the camp t-shirt design with Bernice just now and it kinda rekindled my disgust with the way things were handled.

Now that I think about it, it was a simple matter. If a t-shirt printer cannot print realistic-looking, transparent, fading, 3D designs (i.e. flames), then the artist can always make it a 2D, more cartoonish design that will STILL bring out the same idea. But when the decision is not up to the artist and the management wants a realistic design that cannot be printed, well guess what? The result is an insult to the artist because it will totally not turn out to be anything the artist imagined.

I mean, if a painter doesn't have the right (dark) colors to paint a moody scene, for example, then the next best alternative is to use a pencil to shade a black and white drawing, instead of trying to use bright reds and bright yellows and bright oranges to try and make a dark scene. That'd be plain stupid and the result will not be anything worth painting to begin with.

If you don't have the budget, then compromise with a different design!

I don't wanna blabber on anymore. I heard from Pamela that the t-shirt was an ugly bright green. Well, what can I say? *shrugs*

Love me if you dare... 00:24
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Friday, June 20, 2008

Nobody

Nobody knows how much I want to be back there.

Nobody knows how painful it is.

Nobody knows the reasons for the choices I make.

Nobody knows the difficulty I'm facing.

Nobody knows the dilemma I'm facing.

Nobody knows the life I'm leading.

Nobody knows what I'm going through.

Nobody knows me.

Nobody cares.

Love me if you dare... 01:05
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A Series of Unfortunate Events

I really felt that I had the right to be upset. After all, who likes to have their things thrown away without first being asked if it has any use or any value? Even if it's broken and spoilt and dirty. You might not see the value in something that someone else obviously can.

Nevertheless, it really is ok to have thrown that toothbrush out. Like I said, it's not the thing that matters, but rather, the act of not asking beforehand. But it's over, forget about it.

But this also implies something larger. You said to voice out when I'm upset with something. Well, I've proven my point. If even a small thing like this, something reasonable and logical, gets blown out of proportion, what more of the things that aren't logical, but more emotional? Such as what, you ask. Well, for one, such as Charles staying over Saturday night with you alone in your new house. Yes, of course I know that you won't do anything. But it's like, you just set that without asking if I minded first. It's not that I don't have faith in you, really. I mean, you wouldn't like it if I stayed over someplace with a girl, alone, right?

But wait, the situation's different. I've let you down before. I've broken your heart before. So yes, I am unworthy of your trust. So no, it's not ok if I spent the night with some girl alone in a house because I might actually do something. Does that make me forever a lower rank in faithfulness? Well, I guess it does, doesn't it?

Anyways, yeah, even though I feel like hell uncomfortable with that idea of you two spending the night alone together, on top of all the nights you already did spend together at your home, though not alone, and on top of all the hanging out with him amongst other people, I'm still not gonna tell you that I hate that I'm not there and I hate that he gets to be by your side sharing in your happiness and your joy and your life, and that I hate that I have to slog here at work and really scrimp and save and become friendless just because I want to save up enough money to go back, and all this while we seem to be drifting slowly apart, even with all the sweet talking and "I love you's" and "I miss you's"... Yes, I feel it. The distance is taking its toll.

Hopefully, you coming back in a couple of days will be a good thing for us both. I really don't know how much longer I can take this mental and emotional torture of keeping to myself something so strong and so... so strong.

There's really no one to understand me. No one at all. Not one friend to tell these things to.

It's lonely out there...

Love me if you dare... 00:40
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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Work woes...

I counted the number of days I have left with Clariden Leu, and after taking my leave into account, I have about 11 days more. Today, it would have been 10.

Liz asked if I was very sure I wouldn't extend my contract again, even for 2 weeks, or after Melissa goes back to Australia. And though the pay is good, I'd have to decline her offer. I think I really am not suited for working in the financial sector. It dawned on me just now when I was talking with Shannon, that the reason why there are so many conflicts and back-stabbing and covering one's ass is because in an organisation such as this, different departments have different goals in mind when they come to work. But in order for one job to be done, it has to go through every department, and this is where the conflict arises: lack of communication and understanding of protocol and procedure.

In the scientific circle, however, people in a lab work towards a similar goal. The staff under a principle investigator (PI) are researching to achieve the PI's ultimate results. Everyone more or less knows what the other is doing, and what everyone is doing, the PI would know from the regular meetings, updates and reports given to him. In my mind, that is what I picture a working research lab to be like. I don't know if it really is like that. Coz if things are as my ideal, there would be less conflict and less rubbing each other the wrong way. People help people. You could get your colleagues (friends) to help you inoculate some plates of agar over the weekend if you know they're gonna be back for some time. Or you could get them to change the conditions of the incubator. Or you could ask someone to wash off antibodies or antigens, and things would be done right. Because every experiment has a standard protocol, it's easy to follow and do things well.

I don't know what I'm gonna do after June. Yes, I'll look for another job, but where? Maybe I'll go be a lab tech in Ngee Ann, or NUS, or NTU? I miss wearing my labcoats and smelling 70% EtOH, lighting Methylated Spirit lamps and inoculating agar plates with bacteria and incubating them. I miss having to strain your eyes to focus the microscopes, to prepare slides and mount them, to catch and dry and prepare an insect for preservation, to collect a handful of critters and sifting through all the rubbish to find craetures you would never have thought to exist otherwise, and then scrutinizing and identifying them correctly! The satisfaction in that is... beyond words. It's similar to the satisfaction of having taken a photograph of a beautiful insect with the focus on the eyes, and enough depth of field to have the whole creature be in acceptably sharp focus.

*sigh*

You may call me a dreamer, but I wish I could be a NatGeo insect photographer.

Maybe I should look for a job with them... hahaha!

Pah!

Love me if you dare... 15:22
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Sunday, June 01, 2008

Miss me?

I'm sorry if it feels as though I haven't been wanting to talk to you. I miss you alright, I do. But I can't talk to you so late in the night knowing that you've gotta get up early and study the next day! I want so much to, but I can't. Even though you yourself are willing to stay up late to talk to me, I can't bear to know you'll be tired and easily grumpy and frustrated the next day.

So I try forcing you to sleep early by going to bed early myself. In the end, do you sleep early? Not much earlier. You go out and have fun late into the nights. You say you miss me. I believe you. But apparently not enough to come home earlier to talk. Yes, I know you're having fun outside with your friends. And you don't have to feel guilty that I'm alone at home and not going out with my friends. In the first place, I was the one who decided to stay home. So it's got nothing to do with you. But I would've thought that we're so far apart and with so little time for communication, you'd at least sacrifice abit of your fun sometimes to come home and talk. I mean, I'm not asking you to do that everyday. But you don't even do that! And my excuse all the time was for you to sleep early, not wanting you to fall sick because of a weakened immune system due to lack of rest. But it seems like my advice has fallen on deaf ears. I feel like I'm such a nag somtimes.

But it's alright. Y'know what? I think you're old enough to decide your own limits. As of now, I will fight myself to stay up late worrying about where you are, what you're doing and who you're with. I trust that you are sensible enough to come home with someone if you're gonna be out late. So I won't nag you to come home early. I won't whine and say I miss you, even though I really miss you like hell. I'm envious of your carefree and happy life. But I'm not jealous. I'm happy for you. And I'm only doing what I'm doing because I know life is hard to begin with. So I have no choice but to bite my tongue and press on for now.

I love you. And I'll be missing you. But you won't hear too much of that...

Love me if you dare... 15:21
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