Colorless

Friday, June 20, 2008

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I really felt that I had the right to be upset. After all, who likes to have their things thrown away without first being asked if it has any use or any value? Even if it's broken and spoilt and dirty. You might not see the value in something that someone else obviously can.

Nevertheless, it really is ok to have thrown that toothbrush out. Like I said, it's not the thing that matters, but rather, the act of not asking beforehand. But it's over, forget about it.

But this also implies something larger. You said to voice out when I'm upset with something. Well, I've proven my point. If even a small thing like this, something reasonable and logical, gets blown out of proportion, what more of the things that aren't logical, but more emotional? Such as what, you ask. Well, for one, such as Charles staying over Saturday night with you alone in your new house. Yes, of course I know that you won't do anything. But it's like, you just set that without asking if I minded first. It's not that I don't have faith in you, really. I mean, you wouldn't like it if I stayed over someplace with a girl, alone, right?

But wait, the situation's different. I've let you down before. I've broken your heart before. So yes, I am unworthy of your trust. So no, it's not ok if I spent the night with some girl alone in a house because I might actually do something. Does that make me forever a lower rank in faithfulness? Well, I guess it does, doesn't it?

Anyways, yeah, even though I feel like hell uncomfortable with that idea of you two spending the night alone together, on top of all the nights you already did spend together at your home, though not alone, and on top of all the hanging out with him amongst other people, I'm still not gonna tell you that I hate that I'm not there and I hate that he gets to be by your side sharing in your happiness and your joy and your life, and that I hate that I have to slog here at work and really scrimp and save and become friendless just because I want to save up enough money to go back, and all this while we seem to be drifting slowly apart, even with all the sweet talking and "I love you's" and "I miss you's"... Yes, I feel it. The distance is taking its toll.

Hopefully, you coming back in a couple of days will be a good thing for us both. I really don't know how much longer I can take this mental and emotional torture of keeping to myself something so strong and so... so strong.

There's really no one to understand me. No one at all. Not one friend to tell these things to.

It's lonely out there...

Love me if you dare... 00:40
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