Colorless

Saturday, September 27, 2008

*sigh*

Is it very unreasonable of me to say that I hate him?

I hate him for always being there for you physically. I hate him for always wanting to hang out late into the night but not willing to fork out the money to take a cab home or to go stay at someone else's home. I hate him for always staying over at your place when he knows you have a boyfriend! And I also hate that he's stealing you away from me!

When you said you wanted to go over to his place to stay for the night, can you imagine how hurt I am? You know full well that I don't like him staying over already, yet now you're asking if YOU can stay over at HIS place? I don't understand what you take me for can.

Unfortunately, I don't want to lose you so easily, and I know you need someone who can be there for you... and that someone is definitely not me. I could've not gone for supper with the guys and come home and listen to how your day was bad and shitty and all, but no-o-o... you want to stay over at his place so you can talk about it with him, not me.

Well, that just really hurts. But do I have a choice? Nope. I don't have a choice because I am not so selfish as to make you go home and feel so controlled or friendless and miserable just so that I don't feel jealous. So I reluctantly let you go. And all this while, it hurt so much that you knew I don't like it, yet you could still ask me if you can go over to stay.

I don't know how much more of this I can take you know?

I won't be able to talk to you until Wednesday now, because you have camp. And he's gonna be there at camp too, and you can talk to him all night through. It'll be so romantic under the magical sky of Australia... all the stars... the cold wind...

Oh man, I swear I can so swear right now!!!

I think I should go get drunk. Not dead drunk... just drunk enough to lie and drown in my own sorrows and pain.

I totally utterly hate Charles... I don't care if he's your best friend. I hate him!

If we ever get married, you can invite him to our wedding, but I'm not gonna talk to him.

ARGH!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE THIS MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! SERIOUSLY!!! DAMNIT!!!

Love me if you dare... 01:35
0 thoughts on this post

----------------------------------------

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Do you really want to hurt me?

*sigh*

I guess there really isn't any other way is there?

Why did things become like this so quickly? Frankly, I blame it on you. But who am I kidding? I can't blame anyone but myself. Like I said, I really wished I had insisted on your coming home early so we can chat. At least you wouldn't start loving the life you have now... so much so that even I am unable to let you make a change in your lifestyle.

How is taking a break from each other ever gonna make things better? I never believed in that. I can't believe it's happening to me now.

Good bye, my love.

I have nothing more to say... I should just go and die...

Well, may you have a happy and fulfilling life without my restrictions, though I really can't see any.

Love me if you dare... 00:20
0 thoughts on this post

----------------------------------------

Monday, September 08, 2008

*shudders*

It seems I've been typing here almost, if not more, as often as I do on my supposedly happy blog.
Anyways, I came across this blog today, and its last entry (which was more than a year ago) seemed almost to jump out at me. It seemed like she's been feeling the same way and telling me the same message... *sigh*

"James,

My intentions are not to insult you or offend you in any way. I would really appreciate it if you would STOP trying to do whatever it is you're doing.

Please save yourself the troubles, time and any efforts put into attempting to repair any thing that you "might" think is repairable. There is absolutely nothing left.

The bridges have been burned a long time ago, incase you haven't noticed. I have elected to not stay in contact with you because, to sum it all up, that phase of my life was the worst, and I wish to never have to go through what had happened, EVER again. Don't get me wrong, I screwed up too, but to say it bluntly, you are nothing but a bad memory and I do not see any productivity, or anything positive about having any association to you.

I have made no effort and have showed no interest in maintaining any relation to you. And please do NOT take this post as an "invite". I will make it clear that I do NOT want to talk to you.

And in the future, if you ever happen to see me, please do not find some indirect way to talk to me. Safeway that day, was just... I don't have a word for it. No one said a thing, but I am NOT stupid. Just judging by how you sent the girl you were talking to, over to a department she clearly did not work in, just to talk to me or ask me something. I consider that to be inappropriate. If that was your girlfriend, she should have just kicked you in the shin and went back to work.

You are probably sitting there wondering what the hell you did and telling yourself you have said nothing to offend me in any way. Honestly I am not offended, I just do not want the hassle of trying to keep you out of my life.

As you can obviously see, Both Dee and I have moved on with our lives and are in happy relationships for once. Just because you see or hear one, or both, of us, it doesn't mean you have to hold on to that moment and hope that we'll talk to you.

Anyways, I've wrote more than needed to get my point across. But thank you for those "wishes", they sounded somewhat sincere and meaningful."

If this is really what she thinks, then... I really have no chance at this friendship anymore.

It is my deepest regret to have hurt her so much. Nothing I have ever done in my life has caused me as much pain, regret, and remorse. Nothing.

I have thought back to the days I was rebellious... really rebellious. Things that I have done that nobody else knows about... things that are on the dark side of my life... that will almost never be revealed to anyone. Those... even those things do not cause me regret and remorse like this.

*sigh*

And judging from my current relationship, maybe I'm not cut out to be in one after all. My relationship with Sarah went downhill after 2 years 4 months, because things weren't working out with me cutting off contact with all my friends because of her. My relationship with Esther went down because of my infidelity, and that lasted 1 year 5 months. And now, my relationship with Mel seems to be fading into mere friendship.

Seriously, maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship after all, as much as I can love.

Maybe it's better to remain single, as Paul says.

Love me if you dare... 11:37
0 thoughts on this post

----------------------------------------

Sunday, September 07, 2008

*sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh*

Y'know what? This doesn't even feel like a relationship. Not the boy-girl kind of relationship, at least.

*sigh*

Am I just another burden in your life, stopping you from enjoying total freedom down under? A burden that you always take a break from during your weekends? Coz that's what it's like the past month or so... I never get to talk to you on the weekends. There's always someone staying over. Ok, so it's not always that you're the one not available. Sometimes (rare though) I'm out and can't get back early enough to chat with you. But like you, or unlike you, I'm trying to get out more and be more alive!

Y'know what? I'm not gonna hang around online, waiting for you to come on anymore. If you can live life the way you like it, so can I. I have no priority in your life, so it seems. Well, playing a tit-for-tat game, you're losing yours in mine. I'm just gonna go ahead and plan my days without you in it. Maybe an occasional Skyping session here and there, but that's all.

Yup! I'm gonna be hanging out alot more now. Saving money to fly over has become 2nd priority, since I really don't wanna be there and feel awkward for 3 months.

Just had a short chat with you. Once again, he's staying over... well, that means no talking again. At this rate, we'll just break up sooner or later.

Anyways, as I was saying, my priority now is to spend my money on things that I enjoy. Even useless things... yep. That's what I'm gonna do. That 50mm f1.2 is so mine... $500 or not, it'll be mine soon.

I'm even looking at a dSLR now... ha!

I hate my life..

Love me if you dare... 21:24
0 thoughts on this post

----------------------------------------

Friday, September 05, 2008

Alleviation

So you admitted that you wished I would go out late and hang out with friends so that it would alleviate your guilt of always going out late and neglecting me, eh?

Well, if you're not going to do anything to change, I don't see the point of saying sorry and that you think you're a bad girlfriend. It's like, let's say I like to steal and shoplift. I know it's wrong but I don't do anything to stop or prevent myself from stealing... then the law has no choice but to put me behind bars right?

As I see it, if i really minded, the only choice is to go our seperate ways. But well, at least I don't really mind it too much right now. It's probably the effect of lowering my expectations.

*shrugs*

Enjoy yourself!

Love me if you dare... 11:46
0 thoughts on this post

----------------------------------------

Monday, September 01, 2008

Is this too much?

*sigh*

Why the hell am I sacrificing so much for you?

Yes, the Coldplay song was meant for you, actually... because indeed, you don't heed anything I say, you don't listen to what I say when I do say something. You enjoy yourself so much that you don't think that I'm home waiting for you to come online. You have friends who stay through the night with you and have a nice cup of coffee or desserts with you at Three Monkeys, and you play games and chat and whatnot into the night, and you don't think that I want to Skype with you or have a nice quiet chat with you. You just don't see me.

I had wanted to join Joanna and Jasmine for dinner at their place, but the weather was quite cooling, so I thought I wanted to come home and nua and chat with you online, since you said that you most probably would be staying home to study. Well, guess what? You went out to Charles again, because he was feeling kinda upset... so I came home to nothing except an illuminated laptop monitor.

Ok, granted, you're comforting a friend. I didn't say you can't do that. I'm not blaming you for going out to keep him company either. I'm just voicing my thoughts (like you always ask me to) and saying that I'm just feeling a little disappointed right now.

To top the blue Monday off, the night just got uncomfortably warmer, and there's no dinner coz I wanted to eat salmon fried in butter but there was no salmon, and the stupid 菜饭stall doesn't replenish their dishes when it's running out... and they don't give priority to people who actually queue up to order.

*sigh* What a night.

Maybe I won't wait for you to Skype anymore. I'll just sleep early.

Once again, why?

Love me if you dare... 19:16
0 thoughts on this post

----------------------------------------