Colorless

Monday, September 08, 2008

*shudders*

It seems I've been typing here almost, if not more, as often as I do on my supposedly happy blog.
Anyways, I came across this blog today, and its last entry (which was more than a year ago) seemed almost to jump out at me. It seemed like she's been feeling the same way and telling me the same message... *sigh*

"James,

My intentions are not to insult you or offend you in any way. I would really appreciate it if you would STOP trying to do whatever it is you're doing.

Please save yourself the troubles, time and any efforts put into attempting to repair any thing that you "might" think is repairable. There is absolutely nothing left.

The bridges have been burned a long time ago, incase you haven't noticed. I have elected to not stay in contact with you because, to sum it all up, that phase of my life was the worst, and I wish to never have to go through what had happened, EVER again. Don't get me wrong, I screwed up too, but to say it bluntly, you are nothing but a bad memory and I do not see any productivity, or anything positive about having any association to you.

I have made no effort and have showed no interest in maintaining any relation to you. And please do NOT take this post as an "invite". I will make it clear that I do NOT want to talk to you.

And in the future, if you ever happen to see me, please do not find some indirect way to talk to me. Safeway that day, was just... I don't have a word for it. No one said a thing, but I am NOT stupid. Just judging by how you sent the girl you were talking to, over to a department she clearly did not work in, just to talk to me or ask me something. I consider that to be inappropriate. If that was your girlfriend, she should have just kicked you in the shin and went back to work.

You are probably sitting there wondering what the hell you did and telling yourself you have said nothing to offend me in any way. Honestly I am not offended, I just do not want the hassle of trying to keep you out of my life.

As you can obviously see, Both Dee and I have moved on with our lives and are in happy relationships for once. Just because you see or hear one, or both, of us, it doesn't mean you have to hold on to that moment and hope that we'll talk to you.

Anyways, I've wrote more than needed to get my point across. But thank you for those "wishes", they sounded somewhat sincere and meaningful."

If this is really what she thinks, then... I really have no chance at this friendship anymore.

It is my deepest regret to have hurt her so much. Nothing I have ever done in my life has caused me as much pain, regret, and remorse. Nothing.

I have thought back to the days I was rebellious... really rebellious. Things that I have done that nobody else knows about... things that are on the dark side of my life... that will almost never be revealed to anyone. Those... even those things do not cause me regret and remorse like this.

*sigh*

And judging from my current relationship, maybe I'm not cut out to be in one after all. My relationship with Sarah went downhill after 2 years 4 months, because things weren't working out with me cutting off contact with all my friends because of her. My relationship with Esther went down because of my infidelity, and that lasted 1 year 5 months. And now, my relationship with Mel seems to be fading into mere friendship.

Seriously, maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship after all, as much as I can love.

Maybe it's better to remain single, as Paul says.

Love me if you dare... 11:37
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