Colorless

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Pain...

Suddenly, the thought of self-mutilation has a glimmer of attraction.

Love me if you dare... 08:52
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Monday, November 17, 2008

Sleepless Night

That would be last night. Not exactly sleepless but I did feel quite restless before I drifted off.

Because I was thinking of you. I just can't get my mind around it... how you could just decide to braek it off because you wanted to spend time out with Charles. Doesn't it show that you really don't love me at all? And even though there's nothing going on between you two, the excessive time spent together and the closeness of your friendship really makes it hard for me to accept. Then when I realized that actually Karen and Jono are also getting very close, it kinda parallelled. Doesn't she have a boyfriend? Doesn't he have a girlfriend?

It's just so gnawing, so aching, so painful... And whilst I was pondering it, the image of scratching skin comes to mind. Imagine scratching and scratching the same area until it starts to bleed，but you don't stop. You continue scratching until your flesh, your muscles become visible, but you don't stop. You keep scratching until muscle fibres start fraying and blood just keeps flowing, but you don't stop. You just keep going at it until your fingers become embedded in your flesh, until you can feel your bone, but you don't stop. You go on scratching and hearing the hollow scrape that your bone echoes. By now your fingers would've bled too. Your nails are probably split and bleeding too. But you don't stop. Now imagine that kind of pain where your heart is. Not a sharp sharp pain like peeling off a half-healed scab. Just a deep, gnawing, constant pain... one that makes you wanna rip your heart out and throw it on the floor so that you don't hurt anymore, much like how many girls would wanna rip out their uterus during their period cramps so they don't have to feel the pain anymore.

I wanted to cry. I even tried a little bit to cry. But again I tell myself that if I did, then it'll be like admitting defeat. It'll be like admitting that there's no hope at all... that there's nothing for me to look forward to, there's no chance, 0%, zilch... to bring this relationship back again. So I stopped the tear ducts, but I couldn't stop the pain.

Then I began to wonder, if somehow we do get back together, am I able to stand your intimacy with him? I find it really really hard. The only way is if Charles went back to Malaysia... for good. Then I would have a chance. Not a 100%, but a chance. But if he doesn't (which seemed the more likely twist of fate), then what? Do I go back to Brisbane awhile so I can be with you? But then I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him, and if I were there, I'd be ruining your time with your friends if I didn't hang out with them too.

I hate this rut I'm in. I feel like just lying down and when the rain comes, the surrounding muck would all rush into this rut and drown me... Yeah... that'd be cool.

Suddenly, I feel the pain of the guy mauled by the tiger. I heard he was dumped just before he got married. Apparently he believed death by tiger would be less painful than what he's going through... and I kinda feel him.

Maybe I should visit the zoo too... *roar*

Love me if you dare... 14:17
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