Thursday, February 05, 2009
To Mel
I really don't think you need to look any more beautiful. You shouldn't compare yourself to others. I mean, there's always someone prettier, smarter, richer, more charming, sexier, slimmer, or whatever, than you. At the other end of the spectrum, there'll always be someone fatter, uglier, poorer, flabbier, less hot, than you. So you're not being objective if you're comparing yourself to the upper percentile either!
You're very attractive as it is already. I may be biased, but well, if you can't find anyone else who appreciates your beauty, you always have me. I will always want you back.
Always.
Love me
if you
dare...
04:12
0 thoughts on this post
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Blogged Much?
I realised I haven't been blogging much lately... Maybe it's a good sign. Maybe I'm getting over things now.
But then, so many things still remind me of you... and of you... Everywhere I turn, everything I see, either one of you will still pop into my head all the time. Crazy things like char siew rice, Hannah Montana, Jason Mraz, dim sum, Hougang Mall, even buses and MRTs!
I still feel regretful that we can't be together. And I still feel regretful we can't even be friends. Sometimes I miss all the happy times we had together... If I could turn back time, there's so many things that I would change...
*sigh*
Love me
if you
dare...
22:39
0 thoughts on this post
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
*sigh*
Seeing you yesterday was nice... At least we're able to hang out like normal friends and talk and play like normal... like, not awkward at all... and I thank GOD for that.
You're still as beautiful, as charming, as cheery and fun as ever. How can I not love you? At the moment, and at least for the next few months, I can't. Anytime you find that you want me back, I'll very gladly welcome you into my arms again. Really.
The pessimistic/cynical side of me says you won't do that at all... coz you'd be enjoying life and having so much fun with all your friends back in Brisbane.
*sigh*
Oh wells... I guess there's nothing I can do about it at all... except to wait for GOD, and wait on GOD. Simin, we're in the same boat now, aren't we? Let's keep us from capsizing... =)
Love me
if you
dare...
10:32
0 thoughts on this post
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Black Anniversary
Happy 2nd month death-niversary...
Happy for you, not happy at all for me.
If only I could turn back time, I would stay...
Wishing you all the best for your future boyfriend. He's a damn lucky guy.
Love me
if you
dare...
17:56
0 thoughts on this post
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Pain...
Suddenly, the thought of self-mutilation has a glimmer of attraction.
Love me
if you
dare...
08:52
0 thoughts on this post
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sleepless Night
That would be last night. Not exactly sleepless but I did feel quite restless before I drifted off.
Because I was thinking of you. I just can't get my mind around it... how you could just decide to braek it off because you wanted to spend time out with Charles. Doesn't it show that you really don't love me at all? And even though there's nothing going on between you two, the excessive time spent together and the closeness of your friendship really makes it hard for me to accept. Then when I realized that actually Karen and Jono are also getting very close, it kinda parallelled. Doesn't she have a boyfriend? Doesn't he have a girlfriend?
It's just so gnawing, so aching, so painful... And whilst I was pondering it, the image of scratching skin comes to mind. Imagine scratching and scratching the same area until it starts to bleed，but you don't stop. You continue scratching until your flesh, your muscles become visible, but you don't stop. You keep scratching until muscle fibres start fraying and blood just keeps flowing, but you don't stop. You just keep going at it until your fingers become embedded in your flesh, until you can feel your bone, but you don't stop. You go on scratching and hearing the hollow scrape that your bone echoes. By now your fingers would've bled too. Your nails are probably split and bleeding too. But you don't stop. Now imagine that kind of pain where your heart is. Not a sharp sharp pain like peeling off a half-healed scab. Just a deep, gnawing, constant pain... one that makes you wanna rip your heart out and throw it on the floor so that you don't hurt anymore, much like how many girls would wanna rip out their uterus during their period cramps so they don't have to feel the pain anymore.
I wanted to cry. I even tried a little bit to cry. But again I tell myself that if I did, then it'll be like admitting defeat. It'll be like admitting that there's no hope at all... that there's nothing for me to look forward to, there's no chance, 0%, zilch... to bring this relationship back again. So I stopped the tear ducts, but I couldn't stop the pain.
Then I began to wonder, if somehow we do get back together, am I able to stand your intimacy with him? I find it really really hard. The only way is if Charles went back to Malaysia... for good. Then I would have a chance. Not a 100%, but a chance. But if he doesn't (which seemed the more likely twist of fate), then what? Do I go back to Brisbane awhile so I can be with you? But then I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him, and if I were there, I'd be ruining your time with your friends if I didn't hang out with them too.
I hate this rut I'm in. I feel like just lying down and when the rain comes, the surrounding muck would all rush into this rut and drown me... Yeah... that'd be cool.
Suddenly, I feel the pain of the guy mauled by the tiger. I heard he was dumped just before he got married. Apparently he believed death by tiger would be less painful than what he's going through... and I kinda feel him.
Maybe I should visit the zoo too... *roar*
Love me
if you
dare...
14:17
0 thoughts on this post
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
What for?
It seems like you don't even want to chat with me, even when you know that my phone is spoilt and I can't SMS or call you. A part of me is thinking, you're probably happy that I can't contact you and keep reminding you that I exist and that we're still struggling with our relationship.
Why? Why are u doing this? You're home from camp, and not having spoken for like 3 days, you come home and you prefer to slack in front of the TV with Charles and Chris... You don't even come online for a second to tell me, "hey, I'm gonna watch TV. Chat with you another day k?" You just leave me waiting hopelessly in front of the com.
I also wonder what Charles think. Is he happy that you're on the verge of breaking up with me? Does he want us to break up so that he'll have another break-up buddy just like he did with his girlfriend? Otherwise, why doesn't he ask you to call me? Wouldn't any normal person who just came back from camp and who hadn't communicated with their significant other want to talk to their significant other anxiously? Wouldn't he question why you're not calling?
Oh yes, I forgot... I'm not significant in your life right now. He is.
And if I thought of him wrongly and he did ask, then why didn't u? Oh-h-h, right... I forgot. I'm not significant!
Many times, I wonder, what's the point of hanging on so desperately?
"我听到楼下有车子停下的声音，
然后是一阵好久的平静，
你才舍得他离去。
爱情再次回到我这里。
睡不著我开了电视想有点声音，
却听到门前你的深呼吸。
晚安说得很小心很努力，
也许像你说的朋友而已。
你却一再避开我眼睛，
如果真的只是朋友而已，
为什么他名字你从不提起？
他送你回来以后，
我常一个人到外头走走。
我以为我至少可以想通一个烂理由。
他送你回来以后，
我假装没有太多的难受。
这样有一天你真的要走不必我点头。"
-许志安：他送你回来以后
"It's all because of you,
I'm feeling sad and blue.
You went away,
Now my life is just a rainy day.
And I love you so,
How much you'll never know.
You've gone away and left me lonely.
Untouchable memories
Seem to keep haunting me.
Another love so true,
That once turned all my gray skies blue.
But you disappeared,
Now my eyes are filled with tears,
And I'm wishing you were here with me.
Soaked with love are my thoughts of you.
Now that you're gone
I just don't know what to do.
If only you were here,
You'd wash away my tears,
The sun would shine once again,
You'd be mine, all mine.
But in reality,
You and I will never be.
'Cause you took your love away from me.
Girl, I don't know what I did
To make you leave me.
But what I do know,
Is that since you've been gone,
There's such an emptiness inside.
I'm wishing you'd come back to me."
-4PM: Sukiyaki
Love me
if you
dare...
09:53
0 thoughts on this post
Saturday, September 27, 2008
*sigh*
Is it very unreasonable of me to say that I hate him?
I hate him for always being there for you physically. I hate him for always wanting to hang out late into the night but not willing to fork out the money to take a cab home or to go stay at someone else's home. I hate him for always staying over at your place when he knows you have a boyfriend! And I also hate that he's stealing you away from me!
When you said you wanted to go over to his place to stay for the night, can you imagine how hurt I am? You know full well that I don't like him staying over already, yet now you're asking if YOU can stay over at HIS place? I don't understand what you take me for can.
Unfortunately, I don't want to lose you so easily, and I know you need someone who can be there for you... and that someone is definitely not me. I could've not gone for supper with the guys and come home and listen to how your day was bad and shitty and all, but no-o-o... you want to stay over at his place so you can talk about it with him, not me.
Well, that just really hurts. But do I have a choice? Nope. I don't have a choice because I am not so selfish as to make you go home and feel so controlled or friendless and miserable just so that I don't feel jealous. So I reluctantly let you go. And all this while, it hurt so much that you knew I don't like it, yet you could still ask me if you can go over to stay.
I don't know how much more of this I can take you know?
I won't be able to talk to you until Wednesday now, because you have camp. And he's gonna be there at camp too, and you can talk to him all night through. It'll be so romantic under the magical sky of Australia... all the stars... the cold wind...
Oh man, I swear I can so swear right now!!!
I think I should go get drunk. Not dead drunk... just drunk enough to lie and drown in my own sorrows and pain.
I totally utterly hate Charles... I don't care if he's your best friend. I hate him!
If we ever get married, you can invite him to our wedding, but I'm not gonna talk to him.
ARGH!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE THIS MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! SERIOUSLY!!! DAMNIT!!!
Love me
if you
dare...
01:35
0 thoughts on this post
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Do you really want to hurt me?
*sigh*
I guess there really isn't any other way is there?
Why did things become like this so quickly? Frankly, I blame it on you. But who am I kidding? I can't blame anyone but myself. Like I said, I really wished I had insisted on your coming home early so we can chat. At least you wouldn't start loving the life you have now... so much so that even I am unable to let you make a change in your lifestyle.
How is taking a break from each other ever gonna make things better? I never believed in that. I can't believe it's happening to me now.
Good bye, my love.
I have nothing more to say... I should just go and die...
Well, may you have a happy and fulfilling life without my restrictions, though I really can't see any.
Love me
if you
dare...
00:20
0 thoughts on this post
Monday, September 08, 2008
*shudders*
It seems I've been typing here almost, if not more, as often as I do on my supposedly happy blog.
Anyways, I came across this blog today, and its last entry (which was more than a year ago) seemed almost to jump out at me. It seemed like she's been feeling the same way and telling me the same message... *sigh*
"James,
My intentions are not to insult you or offend you in any way. I would really appreciate it if you would STOP trying to do whatever it is you're doing.
Please save yourself the troubles, time and any efforts put into attempting to repair any thing that you "might" think is repairable. There is absolutely nothing left.
The bridges have been burned a long time ago, incase you haven't noticed. I have elected to not stay in contact with you because, to sum it all up, that phase of my life was the worst, and I wish to never have to go through what had happened, EVER again. Don't get me wrong, I screwed up too, but to say it bluntly, you are nothing but a bad memory and I do not see any productivity, or anything positive about having any association to you.
I have made no effort and have showed no interest in maintaining any relation to you. And please do NOT take this post as an "invite". I will make it clear that I do NOT want to talk to you.
And in the future, if you ever happen to see me, please do not find some indirect way to talk to me. Safeway that day, was just... I don't have a word for it. No one said a thing, but I am NOT stupid. Just judging by how you sent the girl you were talking to, over to a department she clearly did not work in, just to talk to me or ask me something. I consider that to be inappropriate. If that was your girlfriend, she should have just kicked you in the shin and went back to work.
You are probably sitting there wondering what the hell you did and telling yourself you have said nothing to offend me in any way. Honestly I am not offended, I just do not want the hassle of trying to keep you out of my life.
As you can obviously see, Both Dee and I have moved on with our lives and are in happy relationships for once. Just because you see or hear one, or both, of us, it doesn't mean you have to hold on to that moment and hope that we'll talk to you.
Anyways, I've wrote more than needed to get my point across. But thank you for those "wishes", they sounded somewhat sincere and meaningful."
If this is really what she thinks, then... I really have no chance at this friendship anymore.
It is my deepest regret to have hurt her so much. Nothing I have ever done in my life has caused me as much pain, regret, and remorse. Nothing.
I have thought back to the days I was rebellious... really rebellious. Things that I have done that nobody else knows about... things that are on the dark side of my life... that will almost never be revealed to anyone. Those... even those things do not cause me regret and remorse like this.
*sigh*
And judging from my current relationship, maybe I'm not cut out to be in one after all. My relationship with Sarah went downhill after 2 years 4 months, because things weren't working out with me cutting off contact with all my friends because of her. My relationship with Esther went down because of my infidelity, and that lasted 1 year 5 months. And now, my relationship with Mel seems to be fading into mere friendship.
Seriously, maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship after all, as much as I can love.
Maybe it's better to remain single, as Paul says.
Love me
if you
dare...
11:37
0 thoughts on this post
Sunday, September 07, 2008
*sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh*
Y'know what? This doesn't even feel like a relationship. Not the boy-girl kind of relationship, at least.
*sigh*
Am I just another burden in your life, stopping you from enjoying total freedom down under? A burden that you always take a break from during your weekends? Coz that's what it's like the past month or so... I never get to talk to you on the weekends. There's always someone staying over. Ok, so it's not always that you're the one not available. Sometimes (rare though) I'm out and can't get back early enough to chat with you. But like you, or unlike you, I'm trying to get out more and be more alive!
Y'know what? I'm not gonna hang around online, waiting for you to come on anymore. If you can live life the way you like it, so can I. I have no priority in your life, so it seems. Well, playing a tit-for-tat game, you're losing yours in mine. I'm just gonna go ahead and plan my days without you in it. Maybe an occasional Skyping session here and there, but that's all.
Yup! I'm gonna be hanging out alot more now. Saving money to fly over has become 2nd priority, since I really don't wanna be there and feel awkward for 3 months.
Just had a short chat with you. Once again, he's staying over... well, that means no talking again. At this rate, we'll just break up sooner or later.
Anyways, as I was saying, my priority now is to spend my money on things that I enjoy. Even useless things... yep. That's what I'm gonna do. That 50mm f1.2 is so mine... $500 or not, it'll be mine soon.
I'm even looking at a dSLR now... ha!
I hate my life..
Love me
if you
dare...
21:24
0 thoughts on this post
Friday, September 05, 2008
Alleviation
So you admitted that you wished I would go out late and hang out with friends so that it would alleviate your guilt of always going out late and neglecting me, eh?
Well, if you're not going to do anything to change, I don't see the point of saying sorry and that you think you're a bad girlfriend. It's like, let's say I like to steal and shoplift. I know it's wrong but I don't do anything to stop or prevent myself from stealing... then the law has no choice but to put me behind bars right?
As I see it, if i really minded, the only choice is to go our seperate ways. But well, at least I don't really mind it too much right now. It's probably the effect of lowering my expectations.
*shrugs*
Enjoy yourself!
Love me
if you
dare...
11:46
0 thoughts on this post
Monday, September 01, 2008
Is this too much?
*sigh*
Why the hell am I sacrificing so much for you?
Yes, the Coldplay song was meant for you, actually... because indeed, you don't heed anything I say, you don't listen to what I say when I do say something. You enjoy yourself so much that you don't think that I'm home waiting for you to come online. You have friends who stay through the night with you and have a nice cup of coffee or desserts with you at Three Monkeys, and you play games and chat and whatnot into the night, and you don't think that I want to Skype with you or have a nice quiet chat with you. You just don't see me.
I had wanted to join Joanna and Jasmine for dinner at their place, but the weather was quite cooling, so I thought I wanted to come home and nua and chat with you online, since you said that you most probably would be staying home to study. Well, guess what? You went out to Charles again, because he was feeling kinda upset... so I came home to nothing except an illuminated laptop monitor.
Ok, granted, you're comforting a friend. I didn't say you can't do that. I'm not blaming you for going out to keep him company either. I'm just voicing my thoughts (like you always ask me to) and saying that I'm just feeling a little disappointed right now.
To top the blue Monday off, the night just got uncomfortably warmer, and there's no dinner coz I wanted to eat salmon fried in butter but there was no salmon, and the stupid 菜饭stall doesn't replenish their dishes when it's running out... and they don't give priority to people who actually queue up to order.
*sigh* What a night.
Maybe I won't wait for you to Skype anymore. I'll just sleep early.
Once again, why?
Love me
if you
dare...
19:16
0 thoughts on this post
Saturday, August 30, 2008
*nag nag nag*
It's 3am... plus... I don't know if you're home already, but if you were supposed to call me before you sleep, that means you haven't slept yet. And having netball at 11am, you're not gonna be having enough sleep, enough rest! How can I not worry? Well, I can't. But I can't nag at you either because I don't control your life, and I am no one to tell you what to do.
*sigh* I'm not angry you know... I just really don't understand. Yes, of course you can take care of yourself... I have no doubts about that at all. Yes, you don't need me to keep nagging at you and telling you how to run your life... of course you don't. But you're not proving that you can take care of yourself! You're not showing that you're taking care of your body like you ought to. Sure, you can take it, you're young and your body can deal with the little rest that it gets every once in awhile. I understand that too... and that's why I'm not bugging you. But I just hope that you understand how I feel. I don't want you to feel faint or excessively tired, to the point of falling sick even. Because when you eventually do because of your lack of rest, I tell you, I'm so gonna start stopping you from this and that activity... or give you a curfew or something.
But y'know what? I'm not gonna say anything. In fact, I'm just gonna copy this whole chunk of text and paste it in my not-so-happy blog... yeap. And then I'm gonna blog about my time at COMEX...
*sigh*
Love me
if you
dare...
01:29
0 thoughts on this post
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
... speechless...
So I told you that I wasn't happy that Charles piggy-backed you. Apparently, you didn't think there was anything wrong with it since Jono piggy-backed Karen too. Well, Karen's not my girlfriend so I don't care what she does with other guys... YOU are MY girlfriend and I don't like it that other guys are carrying you and piggybacking you, even if it's just on the spot k!
But since you don't think it's anything worth making a fuss about, even after I told you that I thought it was special to me, well... *shrugs* Suits me. I wouldn't like to piggyback u anymore... even if I do, it wouldn't be anything special anymore.
Something's wedging between us... perhaps it's subtle, but if things are not gonna change, I'm afraid to think what's it gonna be like in the future...
I'm kinda disappointed, honestly. I used to tell people who're having relationship troubles not to lower theirr expectations in their partners or partners-to-be. Now it seems like I'll have to lower mine too. Now I understand why it's so difficult for the others... because you're just not willing to let go, so you'd rather lower those expectations to reduce the hurt, even though you deserve more than this... so much more...
Love me
if you
dare...
23:11
0 thoughts on this post
Sunday, August 24, 2008
*grrrr!!!*
I REALLY hate that you're having so much fun with HIM!
Saw Karen's blog with pictures on the stupid Jason Mraz concert day that HE was carrying YOU... How would you like if I carried Esther on my back and have some good clean fun? As really close friends? No, you wouldn't like it at all.
Then you'll say, but I might fall for her again. So it's always back to how I've been unfaithful and nearly dumped you for her... You can't get over it can you? Well, I don't expect you to get over it just like that, but after all these months of solitude on my part, shouldn't that put your mind at ease, at least a little bit?
I hate hate hate hate hate Charles... I'm never going back to Brisbane as long as he's there!
It's not your fault... I just didn't like him from the beginning.
And I don't like Jason Mraz too... he reminds me of Charles. Although you said you already liked him before you got to know Charles, he still reminds me of him...
I so wanna swear right now...
Love me
if you
dare...
14:11
0 thoughts on this post
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Wrong Expectations
Am I asking for too much?
Ok, I know technically, I didn't even ask. But ya... I feel like you're always spending time with them, hanging out at 3 Monkeys, eating supper, staying up, staying over, playing board games or chit chatting into the wee hours of the night.
I know I know... it's all part and parcel of living the free life overseas. And like I said before, I wouldn't wanna deprive you of that. Really. I just thought that maybe you could've taken the initiative and have me slightly higher on your priority ladder, as I have you. Maybe you could decline some of those all-too-frequent hanging-outs and spend time at home with me or something.
Tomorrow you'd be going to Ekka... with him.
*sigh*
I hope you enjoy yourself. Looks like another talkless night again.
I just got an SMS from you. It's been more than an hour since I told you I'm gonna sleep. I guess you only have time for me when your time with the rest has eased up abit eh? But that's ok. Time flies when you're having fun... and I really am glad you're enjoying yourself.
I know this sounds quite selfish. Maybe I'm asking for too much...
Am I?
"I've been up all night, you've been puttin' up a fight.
Seems like nothin' I say gets through.
How did this old bed fit a world between me and you.
We said "Goodnight" but the silence was so thick
you could cut it with a knife.
We've hit the wall again and there's nothin' I can do.
You're the one, yea, I've put all my trust in your hands.
C'mon and look in my eyes, here I am, here I am
You don't understand me, my baby.
You don't seem to know that I need you so much.
You don't understand me, my feelings,
the reason I'm breathin', my love
The mornin' comes and you're reaching out for me
just like everything's the same
and I let myself believe things are gonna change.
When you kiss my mouth and you hold my body close,
do you wonder who's inside?
Maybe there's no way we could feel each other's pain.
Tell me why it gets harder to know where I stand.
I guess loneliness found a new friend, here I am
You don't understand me...
You don't seem to get me, my baby.
You don't really see that I live for your touch.
You don't understand me,
My dreams or the things I believe in, my love.
You don't understand me.
You don't understand me.
Understand me..."
Roxette: You Don't Understand Me
Love me
if you
dare...
00:01
0 thoughts on this post
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Right...
So it's frustrating for you? Well, how about when I come home and cook dinner, and after dinner I just wanna have a nice time talking to you but I come online and have it told to my face that, hey, you're going out for dim sum. Talk to me later.
What gives?
So I went offline and thought of something to do: lay like a corpse infront of the TV. When midnight came and I haven't heard anything from you, I guessed you might be out having fun till late, since Jun said that you 2 weren't going for lecture the next day. Fine with me. But I need to work. So I decided to just give you a ring to say good night. But you were busy with directing Jun to drive, so I said it's ok la... and I hung up and I prepared to go to sleep.
Then you told me that you wanted to Skype, and I wanted to too, so I went online and got on Skype. But I told you what I was unhappy about, and it seemed like you didn't wanna Skype anymore because we might just be online and be silent. So I assured you that I won't be angry and I won't meddle with your life over there anymore, and asked again if you wanted to Skype. And you keep pushing the decision over to me! So finally I gave up and decided that I was in no mood to Skype too anymore. So I got offline and went to sleep. Turned my phone off too coz I really was quite pissed.
Love me
if you
dare...
09:27
0 thoughts on this post
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Neglected...
I guess I do feel neglected every now and then. Especially nowadays.
It's not your fault, I know. You're just hanging out with good friends and having a good time. I would want you to do that too... it's just that... well... maybe you could miss me more during your happier times? Not just when you're lonely or when you play games and think of my absence and feel like crying? Or when it's night and u wanna sleep and you "have to hear my voice before you can fall asleep".
Gosh, I'm much needier than I thought I am.
Anyhow, yes. I feel pretty neglected. And what's with Charles always staying over at your place? K, I'm jealous that he always gets to spend time with you and make you laugh and make you happy, creating lots and lots of memories with you... so much so that you hate him for even thinking of leaving... *sigh* It says something you know... at least to me. =(
So he stayed over last night because you guys need to go Guyatt Park early to reserve the pits. What I didn't get was, why does it need to be him? After all, it's just reservation right? Couldn't it be done by just you and Vic or someone staying close by?
Ah-h-h, nevermind. You'll just think that I'm jealous and tease me about it. I'm not gonna harp on this matter. I'll pretend that he doesn't exist...
Gah! =(((
Love me
if you
dare...
22:26
0 thoughts on this post
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Jealousy
Sometimes I get extremely jealous of Charles and Jono. I know you keep saying that Charles is just a good friend to you. And I know he says that too, and that he says he doesn't like u in that way, and that you don't like him in that way too. But I just can't help feeling negative about him ok? I can't explain it... I know you think he's a nice guy, no, a VERY nice guy... and so do alot of people. So what? I don't care whether he's nice anot lor.
I guess it's also cause he can be there with you and I can't. You'll say alot of people are there with you and I can't, so why am I prejudiced against him only? Because it's him I feel insecure against. It's a combination of factors that make me feel the way I feel towards him.
*sigh* I know I'm childish. But childish or not, I still feel a kind of hatred towards him.
Sometimes I wish you wouldn't tell me anything at all about him. But because he's such a big part of your life in Brisbane, I want to know what you do with him and what you do without him... just... what you do in general. So it's like... argh!!!
Hai... nevermind me... just go on with your happy life k? I don't want to add on to your worries and concerns. You'll never read this anyways.
Love you...
Love me
if you
dare...
20:24
0 thoughts on this post
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Shut up!
Maybe I should just learn to keep my big mouth shut. And keep believing in my rationality than in my feelings. So far, rationality has proven to be far less troublesome than emotion. So why the hell did I give in to my feelings?
Bloody idiot.
And I hate him. I really hate him too. Because he's making you so upset that you can't even enjoy yourself properly. But I have to pretend to be his friend when I meet him. Shit... Luckily I don't chat with him at all on MSN.
Love me
if you
dare...
02:48
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Saturday, June 21, 2008
Exasperation
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH US?!
The WHOLE day we didn't get to communicate much. When we finally do, *sigh* Less than 3min. LESS THAN!
I don't understand. All I wanted was for you to get some proper rest. I really feel like a nag, always asking you to sleep early. I guess you're right. You can take care of yourself.
I'll try my best not to interfere with your sleep times again.
Sorry.
Love me
if you
dare...
23:47
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Grrrr...
Seriously, I wonder how I can take it...
I hate the fact that he's there to keep you company for these 2 nights till you fly home to me. But I know that if I let you know, you'll surely ask him to go home and you'll be alone in the house for 2 nights.
Well, I'd rather have him there in case anything happens, and so you won't be scared at night, than have you be scared and me being so far away, unable to comfort and ease your nerves. So yeah...
*sigh*
Love me
if you
dare...
10:45
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Frustrations of an Artist and the Inefficacy of a Bureaucracy
I was sharing the camp t-shirt design with Bernice just now and it kinda rekindled my disgust with the way things were handled.
Now that I think about it, it was a simple matter. If a t-shirt printer cannot print realistic-looking, transparent, fading, 3D designs (i.e. flames), then the artist can always make it a 2D, more cartoonish design that will STILL bring out the same idea. But when the decision is not up to the artist and the management wants a realistic design that cannot be printed, well guess what? The result is an insult to the artist because it will totally not turn out to be anything the artist imagined.
I mean, if a painter doesn't have the right (dark) colors to paint a moody scene, for example, then the next best alternative is to use a pencil to shade a black and white drawing, instead of trying to use bright reds and bright yellows and bright oranges to try and make a dark scene. That'd be plain stupid and the result will not be anything worth painting to begin with.
If you don't have the budget, then compromise with a different design!
I don't wanna blabber on anymore. I heard from Pamela that the t-shirt was an ugly bright green. Well, what can I say? *shrugs*
Love me
if you
dare...
00:24
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Friday, June 20, 2008
Nobody
Nobody knows how much I want to be back there.
Nobody knows how painful it is.
Nobody knows the reasons for the choices I make.
Nobody knows the difficulty I'm facing.
Nobody knows the dilemma I'm facing.
Nobody knows the life I'm leading.
Nobody knows what I'm going through.
Nobody knows me.
Nobody cares.
Love me
if you
dare...
01:05
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A Series of Unfortunate Events
I really felt that I had the right to be upset. After all, who likes to have their things thrown away without first being asked if it has any use or any value? Even if it's broken and spoilt and dirty. You might not see the value in something that someone else obviously can.
Nevertheless, it really is ok to have thrown that toothbrush out. Like I said, it's not the thing that matters, but rather, the act of not asking beforehand. But it's over, forget about it.
But this also implies something larger. You said to voice out when I'm upset with something. Well, I've proven my point. If even a small thing like this, something reasonable and logical, gets blown out of proportion, what more of the things that aren't logical, but more emotional? Such as what, you ask. Well, for one, such as Charles staying over Saturday night with you alone in your new house. Yes, of course I know that you won't do anything. But it's like, you just set that without asking if I minded first. It's not that I don't have faith in you, really. I mean, you wouldn't like it if I stayed over someplace with a girl, alone, right?
But wait, the situation's different. I've let you down before. I've broken your heart before. So yes, I am unworthy of your trust. So no, it's not ok if I spent the night with some girl alone in a house because I might actually do something. Does that make me forever a lower rank in faithfulness? Well, I guess it does, doesn't it?
Anyways, yeah, even though I feel like hell uncomfortable with that idea of you two spending the night alone together, on top of all the nights you already did spend together at your home, though not alone, and on top of all the hanging out with him amongst other people, I'm still not gonna tell you that I hate that I'm not there and I hate that he gets to be by your side sharing in your happiness and your joy and your life, and that I hate that I have to slog here at work and really scrimp and save and become friendless just because I want to save up enough money to go back, and all this while we seem to be drifting slowly apart, even with all the sweet talking and "I love you's" and "I miss you's"... Yes, I feel it. The distance is taking its toll.
Hopefully, you coming back in a couple of days will be a good thing for us both. I really don't know how much longer I can take this mental and emotional torture of keeping to myself something so strong and so... so strong.
There's really no one to understand me. No one at all. Not one friend to tell these things to.
It's lonely out there...
Love me
if you
dare...
00:40
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Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Work woes...
I counted the number of days I have left with Clariden Leu, and after taking my leave into account, I have about 11 days more. Today, it would have been 10.
Liz asked if I was very sure I wouldn't extend my contract again, even for 2 weeks, or after Melissa goes back to Australia. And though the pay is good, I'd have to decline her offer. I think I really am not suited for working in the financial sector. It dawned on me just now when I was talking with Shannon, that the reason why there are so many conflicts and back-stabbing and covering one's ass is because in an organisation such as this, different departments have different goals in mind when they come to work. But in order for one job to be done, it has to go through every department, and this is where the conflict arises: lack of communication and understanding of protocol and procedure.
In the scientific circle, however, people in a lab work towards a similar goal. The staff under a principle investigator (PI) are researching to achieve the PI's ultimate results. Everyone more or less knows what the other is doing, and what everyone is doing, the PI would know from the regular meetings, updates and reports given to him. In my mind, that is what I picture a working research lab to be like. I don't know if it really is like that. Coz if things are as my ideal, there would be less conflict and less rubbing each other the wrong way. People help people. You could get your colleagues (friends) to help you inoculate some plates of agar over the weekend if you know they're gonna be back for some time. Or you could get them to change the conditions of the incubator. Or you could ask someone to wash off antibodies or antigens, and things would be done right. Because every experiment has a standard protocol, it's easy to follow and do things well.
I don't know what I'm gonna do after June. Yes, I'll look for another job, but where? Maybe I'll go be a lab tech in Ngee Ann, or NUS, or NTU? I miss wearing my labcoats and smelling 70% EtOH, lighting Methylated Spirit lamps and inoculating agar plates with bacteria and incubating them. I miss having to strain your eyes to focus the microscopes, to prepare slides and mount them, to catch and dry and prepare an insect for preservation, to collect a handful of critters and sifting through all the rubbish to find craetures you would never have thought to exist otherwise, and then scrutinizing and identifying them correctly! The satisfaction in that is... beyond words. It's similar to the satisfaction of having taken a photograph of a beautiful insect with the focus on the eyes, and enough depth of field to have the whole creature be in acceptably sharp focus.
*sigh*
You may call me a dreamer, but I wish I could be a NatGeo insect photographer.
Maybe I should look for a job with them... hahaha!
Pah!
Love me
if you
dare...
15:22
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Sunday, June 01, 2008
Miss me?
I'm sorry if it feels as though I haven't been wanting to talk to you. I miss you alright, I do. But I can't talk to you so late in the night knowing that you've gotta get up early and study the next day! I want so much to, but I can't. Even though you yourself are willing to stay up late to talk to me, I can't bear to know you'll be tired and easily grumpy and frustrated the next day.
So I try forcing you to sleep early by going to bed early myself. In the end, do you sleep early? Not much earlier. You go out and have fun late into the nights. You say you miss me. I believe you. But apparently not enough to come home earlier to talk. Yes, I know you're having fun outside with your friends. And you don't have to feel guilty that I'm alone at home and not going out with my friends. In the first place, I was the one who decided to stay home. So it's got nothing to do with you. But I would've thought that we're so far apart and with so little time for communication, you'd at least sacrifice abit of your fun sometimes to come home and talk. I mean, I'm not asking you to do that everyday. But you don't even do that! And my excuse all the time was for you to sleep early, not wanting you to fall sick because of a weakened immune system due to lack of rest. But it seems like my advice has fallen on deaf ears. I feel like I'm such a nag somtimes.
But it's alright. Y'know what? I think you're old enough to decide your own limits. As of now, I will fight myself to stay up late worrying about where you are, what you're doing and who you're with. I trust that you are sensible enough to come home with someone if you're gonna be out late. So I won't nag you to come home early. I won't whine and say I miss you, even though I really miss you like hell. I'm envious of your carefree and happy life. But I'm not jealous. I'm happy for you. And I'm only doing what I'm doing because I know life is hard to begin with. So I have no choice but to bite my tongue and press on for now.
I love you. And I'll be missing you. But you won't hear too much of that...
Love me
if you
dare...
15:21
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Thursday, May 29, 2008
Dejected
I really feel quite detached from life in Brisbane. Well, naturally, because I'm not there! But still... *sigh* It feels like I'm out of the game and will never fit in as nicely as I had before anymore... ever.
Happy birthday to you, my dear. I really hope you have a great time today, even though there'll be less people celebrating for you, I think it's nice to just be with those who are closer, who are always there, to have a nice cosy dinner and talk about life. You really are a blessed girl, you know that? You just haven't realized how blessed. Really.
Anyways, I wanted to buy you girls dinner, because I'll feel part of it, even if my physical being isn't there. But you didn't let me. You didn't want to use my money. And it really feels saddening that you're unknowingly rejecting my being part of the little celebration that you're having.
Nevertheless, it's your birthday and you have the right to choose who you want to invite to the dinner table. I guess there's no point letting you know and upsetting this special day, is there?
Once again, happy birthday. And I hope that I'll be there for you for many many more birthdays to come.
I love you sweetheart...
Love me
if you
dare...
16:39
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Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Poo... =(
It feels very much like talking to me nightly doesn't seem so important anymore... because you've got Charles and the others with you. *sigh*
Yes, I'm really jealous. Yet I do not want you to stop or lessen your interaction with them (him) significantly. I know you feel insecure as it is already... what with you thinking you have no friends or close friends, I do not want you to cut off from anyone. I'm happy that you've found a niche... a group of friends, whether close or not, that you can hang out with and have fun together. Really... I really am happy for you. And I'm glad that you've got these bunch of people to make life in Brisbane a fun and memorable time. Believe me when I say that k?
Charles is a nice guy, I know. And I know you can clique really well with him... and you enjoy talking to him, and can even talk to him through the night. And I know there's nothing going on between the 2 of you... that's why I'm not saying anything to you. I want to trust you to not question you and your actions. I'm sorry, once again, for keeping this to myself...
"We're caught in a trap.
I can't walk out,
Because I love you too much baby.
Why can't you see
What you're doing to me,
When you don't believe a word I say?
We can't go on together
With suspicious minds.
And we can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds.
So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello,
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?
Here we go again,
Asking where I've been.
You can't see these tears are real,
I'm crying?
Oh, let our love survive,
Or dry the tears from your eyes.
Let's don't let a good thing die.
When honey, you know,
I've never lied to you.
Mmm yeah, yeah."
-Elvis Presley: Suspicious Minds
Elvis said it spot on. We can't build our dreams on suspicious minds... More so, we can't go on together with suspicious minds. There's another song he sang that says why...
"Every time you kiss me I'm still not certain that you love me,
Every time you hold me I'm still not certain that you care
Though you keep on saying you really, really, really love me
Do you speak the same words to someone else when I'm not there.
Suspicion torments my heart,
Suspicion keeps us apart,
Suspicion why torture me.
Every time you call me and tell me we should meet tomorrow
I can't help but think that you're meeting someone else tonight,
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/aYx ]
Why should our romance just keep on causing me such sorrow?
Why am I so doubtful whenever you're out of sight?
Suspicion torments my heart,
Suspicion keeps us apart,
Suspicion why torture me.
Darling, if you love me, I beg you wait a little longer,
Wait until I drive all these foolish fears out of my mind,
How I hope and pray that our love will keep on growing stronger,
Maybe I'm suspicious 'cause true love is so hard to find.
Suspicion torments my heart,
Suspicion keeps us apart,
Suspicion why torture me."
-Elvis Presley: Suspicion
So no... I'm not gonna start imagining things. And sometimes, I just wanna be by myself and think of other things that won't make me start to think of the possibilities between u and someone else other than me.
This is just a phase... I'll get over it...
Really, I will...
Love me
if you
dare...
22:26
0 thoughts on this post
